The World has Soccer, we have Donut Eating Cops
World Cup Update: Germany plays with new balls. Meanwhile, much is at stake for the Ukrainian team...Elizabeth Taylor dismissed the reports, then a half hour later she dismissed them again....From the Bird Flu to an active hurricane season, at least we can rest easy over the possible threat of a Tsunami caused by an underwater volcano...."I'll have another King Tuttini, shaken not stirred." King Tut is on tour, which the boy pharaoh does about as frequently as Cher, only that Cher has been around for much longer....The best part about political discourse in a legislative branch of government is the decorum....The rules of evidence in a Brazilian court are somewhat lower than here in America....Not that I'm questioning the dedication of our law enforcement personnel, but eating 13 donuts in three minutes doesn't seem like world champion numbers....It is only a matter of time before we all start receiving spam urging us to invest in the ropeless jump rope. If you read the article, it gets even better. Not only does this new jump rope not actually have a rope attached to it, but apparently there is only one handle so far, too. Considering these new advances in technology, how silly do these girls look?

Running Backwards
After reading a story like this one, we can't help but ask ourselves: Why didn't he sustain a head injury in a freak jet ski/palm tree accident?....When blasting at a quarry, remember flying rocks are not a good thing....For all you trendsetters out there: STOP IT! NO MORE NEW TRENDS! WE'RE BEGGING YOU!...Finally, instead of worrying about our energy future or global warming, scientists are working on something worthwhile....Let's see if I'm understanding this: What is being said here is that eating meat is murder, but OK to feed the homeless with.....Who says today's youth are not interested in public service? Presenting the future (drunken, vomit-spewing) world leaders of tomorrow....Music Friday: From New Zealand to "Seattle, the caffeine and grunge capital of the universe" comes Evermore.

WOOOOOOOOO!
By now the entire world knows that Taylor Hicks won American Idol and among the other duties of office, he will be required to sing the National Anthem (English Version) 7,834 million times this year alone...."Kids, I think you've had enough exercise, reading, and creative playtime, now sit in front of that television and be entertained."....Why do they need six actors (one of them actually an actress) in one movie to play Bob Dylan? Couldn't they just get Johnny Depp to do it?....Ever wondered how to draw really bad pictures of sheep? Well through the miracle of the Internet your answer is here....What if Honda reverses the process and the robot controls your thoughts? "THE ELEMENT DOES NOT LOOK LIKE A PIECE OF HARD-CASE LUGGAGE ON WHEELS."....Normally, this doesn't happen until the defendant gets the attorney's bill.....And in case you have been awake nights trying to figure out how a piano got to the top of Britain’s highest mountain, the mystery is over.

Positively 666-6666th Street
Bob Dylan has a weekly show on XM radio now, and in the article the writer seems surprised by Dylan's humor. Why? Wouldn't you expect it from the guy who wrote what I consider to be the best lyrical put down in popular music: "Yes, I wish that for just one time/You could stand inside my shoes/You'd know what a drag it is/To see you."....Speaking of popular music, regardless of who wins tonight on American Idol, it is easy to spot the losers....Meanwhile, the Rolling Stones postpone concert dates as Keith Richards recovers from his falling-out-of-palm-tree-while-riding-a-jet-ski head injury....Bow your heads and cluck mournfully, Boo Boo the resuscitated chicken has passed away....Sometimes a town must take a stand and fight for what it believes in....Why I'm proud to be part Hungarian, we know what wine to serve our zoo animals....Don't Worry, Be Happy, Pay Taxes....By the time the child is entering high school, the mom has to be pretty well ripped....This is the sort of spontaneous purchase that takes a lot of explaining the next day to the wife. Any suggestions for what he can tell her, call him at 666-6666.

Over the Ledge
If you stay indoors and read, as Lemony Snicket suggests, what's the most unfortunate event that could happen: A paper cut? Starting to say "Lemony Snicket" all the time? Or maybe things like Dracorex hogwartsia?...Will each one have a tiny gold sticker underneath the front bumper that reads "Made in China"?...Tonight is the final performance show of American Idol this year pitting Katharine McPhee against Taylor Hicks. And that can only mean one thing: we won't have to watch American Idol performance shows anymore this year and will have more time for other shows. Whoever wins, There are plenty of jobs for American Idol losers...."George, we already watched 'Over the Hedge' twelve times, you're the President, isn't there some other movie you want to see?"

Collateral
They grow up so fast. Imagine, just five years ago he was altering his birth certificate to play in the Little League World Series and now he's looking to play pro ball and has secretly married a 30-year-old...Poor audio recording, grainy film of its existence, the ivory-billed woodpecker is the Big Foot of Arkansas....In case you hadn't heard, there's some religious-themed movie starring Tom Hanks that opens this weekend....Warning: You might want to eat at home the night you go out to see this movie....Apes can do it. Now if only we could get our kids to think that far ahead....Some people are not happy with the American Idol final two. But it is good to know that former Idol contestants are doing well. My sons tell me that Bo Bice is making a guest appearance on this hit television show....Come on, who hasn't had to do this once or twice in their lifetime?....Like 11,000 volts is going to phase a raccoon?...I say if it's good enough for eternal rest, it should be good enough to pass out in....Music Friday: Are we happy yet?

Should I Stay, or Should I Go?
If President Bush plans to visit the Boston area soon, he might want to stay away from the town of Brookline....Dog lovers with a lot of spare time, here is the book for you....Soon dogs will make these flash cards up for us to learn....Maybe it makes a good pet and won't maul the neighbors, but more importantly can Kitty read? ("Here kitty, kitty, kitty...holy crap!")....OK, you can keep the lion, but your unmarried partner must go....When female purebred Columbia Basin pygmy rabbits complain that it is hard to find a good mate, they aren't kidding....American Idol is down to the final two, and all we can wonder is if America is ready for Taylor Hicks. He looks a little like George Clooney, sings like Rosemary Clooney, is something strange going on here?....When any old ordinary hike up a mountain peak just won't do, lug a piano up with you....Remember, it is only truly safe if you don't practice it.

Let the Sun Shine In
New Englanders, still dripping, are experiencing a rare atmospheric condition wherein the sun is bright and the sky is clear. We will keep you informed of any further weather-related changes...Finally, a study that proves what I've been trying to tell people for years, that Phoenix drivers are worse than Boston drivers. The one thing you need to know if you ever plan to drive in the Phoenix area (not recommended) is that every driver feels that he or she has the right-of-way, and that the right is guaranteed under the US Constitution (Amendment 1A) and under no circumstance should he or she allow another driver, pedestrian, leashed animal, building, etc. to infringe upon this right even if it means being unable to avoid a violent, horrific accident ("Take that, you rights infringing telephone pole")....Elementary school children unite! Another Constitutional right is being taken away: Recess (Amendment 4C)....Is it surprising to anyone that Maggie the Elephant doesn't want to work out? Interestingly, they are trying to coax Maggie on the treadmill with snacks. For those at home who are having trouble getting motivated to use your own treadmill or Stairmaster maybe you should consider attaching one of these to it....Not getting enough exercise? Need a quick pick me up? In Japan, you can soon stop by the 7-11 and get a can of flavored oxygen....Fidel "Cash" Castro, one of the riches men in the world, denies he is wealthy citing: "Would I dress the way I do, if I had that kind of coin?"....There is a lot of talk these days that the upcoming Da Vinci Code movie will hurt Christian faith, but somehow I believe Jesus will survive.

Gurgle II
After a week of flooding rains, show you care by giving a New Englander a hug; it will help squeeze the water from their clothes. According the weatherman, the torrential rains came because of two large weather disturbances in the atmosphere that stalled over the area creating blustery conditions.....Meanwhile, we are happy to report that Shamus, the 300-pound garden gnome, has been found unharmed....Granted, this would be extremely upsetting to witness, but whenever I go to a zoo, the animals never move and are usually hiding in some corner where you can't see them. Most of the time I am looking at a nice zoo habitat like this one, trying to pick out the animal from the rocks. With the proper landscaping and good signage, I'm convinced you could run a sucessful zoo without actually having any animals....I guess in Scottsdale, AZ ("The West's most Midwestern town") (I don't know who coined that term, but when I was growing up in the Phoenix area it was always used to describe Scottsdale), any other color taco would be okay except pink?...Fans of watching poker on television, who also like nudity, get ready to shuffle up and deal.

Gurgle
Not only has it been raining for what seems to be several months around here, but some New England's are now dealing with dangerous flooding conditions....Whenever I read a story such as this one about couples selecting their child's sex, I can't help but root for the 1 percent chance that the other sex is born....This is nothing, Larry King could have filled the entire hour interviewing the wrong guy. Here's the actual interview of the cabbie/Internet expert....This should keep you from going over your cell phone minutes...Educational Tip of the Week: This probably sounded better when throwing a few back in the teachers' lounge before first period, but assigning an essay about murdering someone, is almost always a bad idea....There is no truth to the rumor that a Kennedy family member was involved in this traffic incident...And back to water-related stories: It might be the high mercury levels talking, but perhaps we should stop referring to it as the chicken of the sea.

Stick on the Stilton
Attention Wizards: J.K. Rowling has enough paper now. Her other option was to write on the back of these, which she has a lot of....Wait a minute here, is this a real show or are we all being Punk'd....Ever wonder why your dog never seems to understand commands? Maybe because they only understand Thai. If dogs were allowed to vote, maybe Chris Daughtry would still be on American Idol. All the while, Simon Cowell is making friends on both sides of the Atlantic....Perhaps this grandmother mistook the alligator for Simon Cowell...Parents with children heading off to college next year: Set a time limit. Here we found a recent photo of the perpetual undergraduate....Dental Hygiene Tip of the Week: avoid the British. Meanwhile in the UK, here is a perfume for any woman trying to attract Wallace and Gromit....Music Friday: Take care of the Little Ones.

Hound Dog -
American Idol Rocker Shocker: in a surprising turn of events that no one saw coming, odds-on favorite to win-it-all-then-never-be-heard-from-again, Chris Daughtry, fell out of a coconut tree. Not really, but he was fired, or voted off, or whatever they do on that show when they want the person to leave. Some long time Idol viewers took the news hard....As for the real Keith Richards Watch, he's been released from the hospital.....In Columbia, police have turned to landmine sniffing rats for help. If this works out, police officials here in the United States hope someday to train rats to help them to locate other things....Good news for the environment, even bears are turning to hybrids....In other bear news, life in the wild is never easy...Put down that fly swatter, they are now a protected species....Priests in Ireland need to ask themselves: WFWJU (What Frequency Would Jesus Use)?

Brain Damage
Keith Richards update: A Rolling Stones spokesperson is saying that their famous guitarist who sustained a head injury after he fell from a coconut tree, or off a jet ski, or perhaps fell off a jet ski that at the time was in a coconut tree, has not suffered brain damage....In other music news, Britney Spears has inflicted another pregnancy on the world. No word yet if she plans on having one of those new age underwater births....Now for a blast from the past with a Doors video that appears to be from the early 1700s. Let's see: bad lip sync, awful dancing, and a camera man who graduated from My Dad's First Time Using the Super 8 Movie Camera School of Cinematography. But a great song from yet another brain damaged rocker.....For future reference, they prefer to be called Little Galaxies....."Excuse me, is that your cell phone ringing, or are your pants threatening to deport me?"....As for border security, a group in Arizona is doing their small part by erecting a 150 foot long fence. This should deter illegal entry from people who travel hundreds, if not thousands of miles, then refuse to go an extra 75 feet around the fence....Next time, they could consider flying in....Legal News: in Germany jumping in front of a train is, apparently, not a crime, but you must pay for any damage caused....Not just rockers, sometimes alligator-riding real estate tycoons are a couple listings short in the old noggin.

First Name Basis
Bubble Boy David Blaine lasted the week underwater but failed to hold his breath for nine minutes. His health suffered from the ordeal as seen in these dramatic before and after photos....We are happy to report that the latest word on Keith Richards is good...This should curb school violence, since it is a well known fact that before opening fire on their classmates, most student shooters sing songs about it....Kidnap victim pops up unharmed, ordeal in New Hampshire ends before he turns stale....Isn't this report exactly what space aliens set to take over the world would want government officials to say (cue spooky music)....Last night on The Apprentice, someone who I swear I don't even remember being on the show, was fired....Tonight is Idol. Here is someone who wants Taylor Hicks gone. What's interesting is that on second reference (third if you count the pun lead), and in the headline, Taylor's first name, not his last, is used. A sure sign of impending stardom....This might not slow down Cher, but would having a vicar "lay hands" on your bed and ask God to provide you with a healthy sex life put you in the mood?

Monday, Monday
Demystifying the wolf and moose is a dirty job, but someone has to do it. At least I think they do. And yes, I know, it would be a much better story if he was demystifying moose and squirrel....File this story under the category: It Figures....Meanwhile in New York, David Blaine is getting really, really wrinkly....Whatever business you happen to be in, the number one rule is to always please the customer....Cinco de Mayo, Mexican style: drinking beer and tequila while throwing vegetables an baguettes at each other....In major election news that will make you forget The West Wing, they drew for long pencil in St. Albans....Keith Richards update: Now doctors are drilling holes in his head. Let's hope he returns to his normal, healthy, robust self...The Apprentice is on tonight: Who will be fired this week? Who really cares anymore?

Last Straw
There really isn't anything funny about this news item, it's just that I always thought Jack Straw sounded like the name of a nursery rhyme character....The Kentucky Derby, the most exciting two minutes of sports, is tomorrow, and if you plan to be there, don't drink too much. In past years, some celebrities came dressed in camouflage....Expect the scooter to get whacked during an upcoming show....If someone tries selling you a sun porch from the trunk of their car, be suspicious....It's about time the All-You-Can-Eat Chinese Buffets start cracking down hard. Personally, I have some experience with these restaurants...With summer coming, swimming pool season is here. Before diving in, make sure to check the pH level....Music Friday, if you miss the synthetic, electro-pop, Thomas Dolby sound, well give it up for Brandtson.

What Is It?
When in Rome, bring your own six-pack....OK class, get those calculators out and take the dollar figure from this story about how much moms should be paid, and extrapolate it with this story about the woman who just gave birth to her second set of triplets in two years. EEEKS! is right....Tired of just walking into the office like everyone else? Show your enthusiasm and impress your boss by bounding into work every morning wearing a pair of Powerisers. Your next promotion is in the bag...Looking for a good cause to donate to, keep looking. After this type of scandal, you would expect our government officials to take appropriate action...
Not that this is any of my business, but I keep getting spam emails for a certain product that might help these Yankees fans...Could this judge have been in anyway associated with either the O.J. Simpson or Michael Jackson trials?....Meanwhile, crime runs rampant in England, where they are throwing Wotsits from car windows willy-nilly, leading us here in America to ask: What the heck are Wotsits?

Boo-Hoo
As hard as this is to believe, Johnny "Dr. Phil" Damon has something more to say about being booed at Fenway the other night. Here's the deal: apparently Damon wants to play for the team which is the Red Sox's biggest obstacle to getting to another World Series, yet he still expects to be loved by Red Sox Nation. It's official, he is an idiot. Guaranteed, though, he will get his standing ovation in recognition for all he did as a Red Sox. It will come during his last Fenway at-bat the season he announces he's retiring. Fact: it's happened before. Leave it to David "BOOOOO-mer" Wells to put the whole matter in proper perspective....On to more important matters: particularly the Invasion of the New Zealand Mudsnail...Sick of Red Sox-Yankees rivalry, stay tuned for some real C-O-M-P-E-T-I-T-I-O-N...We always think of Canada as being this nice place with nice people, but do we really know what goes on up there?...This story is just like The Graduate, only Malaysian Style. Do you think at 104, and on her 21st husband, people might start thinking of her as morally loose?...This is the sort of out-of-the-box invention that many people dream up, but before they can market the product, they realize what a really, really stupid idea it is. My question is, what happens when you want to read one of these book sitting up?....Driving Safety Tip Checklist: Get in your car, buckle up, adjust the mirrors, leave the car in park, because idiots like this are on the roadways.

Welcome Back!
Last night was a perfectly enjoyable time to be at Fenway Park even if the wind chill factor was below freezing and I was seated next to a large gentleman who, if we were on an airplane and not at a baseball park, would be required to purchase two seats. That's because not only did Johnny Damon return as a clean shaven Yankee, but we also saw the Red Sox return of the Knuckleball Whisperer, Doug Mirabelli, who just made it to the ball park all of three seconds before the first pitch. The grounds crew kept fiddling with the water hose as if it wasn't working, perhaps as a delay tactic. One made-up word to describe the game: Papi-tastic!....Meanwhile, no disruptions from the immigration strike, but we did get a different version of the National Anthem at the game. It wasn't the Spanish version or the traditional version, instead it was the Texas version as performed by these guys....Book flights now, there are big goings on planned in Wyoming next October...Finally, we are happy to report Keith Richards (someone who fits in with the Yankees player mold - an aging superstar) was released from the hospital yesterday. Rock on!

Mr. Mojo Rising?
I'm not positive how the whole mojo thing works, but wouldn't the President need to have had mojo at one time, before he can get it back....Speaking of getting some mojo back, the Red Sox went mojo-less on their past nine game road trip, and tonight Johnny Damon makes his Fenway return. Without his trademark beard, Red Sox fans might not recognize Damon's new clean-cut Yankee look. We are going to the game tonight, should I be worried?...This has something to do with NAFTA, doesn't it?...For those who scoffed at the idea that a chain consisting of nearly 115,000 bras could be made, scoff no more. Here is a picture of someone making a bra chain, but not to bring awareness of breast cancer to the world, instead it appears to be more of a hobby....If visiting Italy, treat lobsters right or suffer the consequences....There is no lack of mojo for the Indian teen who can take milk in through his nostrils and squirt it 12 feet back out from his tear ducts....BREAKING NEWS UPDATE: Mr. Mojo falling. According to this report from People Magazine, embalmed Rolling Stone guitarist, Keith Richards, was injured falling from a coconut tree. Although, it also says he might have fallen off a Jet-Ski. We can't rule out that he might havefallen from a coconut tree while riding on a Jet-Ski.