Last Banner Ad Link of Today

Now there is a link to a vintage candy company. Coincidentally, my latest column mentions a candy bar that I ate as a child called a Big Hunk. Easily one of the worst names you could give a food item. Although, in this case the name fits the product.

Wacky Crime Stories

Wouldn't it have been easier to break in through a window like a normal burglar?

New Pet Portrait Link

The new banner ad that appeared this afternoon at the top of this blog promises wacky dog and cat portraits. Could they possibly mean something that looks like this?

Thought You'd Want to Know

While doing research for my next column, I found these lyrics to the Beach Boys version of "Hot Fun in the Summertime." Bow bow bow do doop?

Just a Thought

Maybe some industrious artist could combine aspects from the last two blog entries and come up with Mug Shot Masterpieces: Your criminal mugshot professionally inserted into a copy of a famous work of art.

When you start making money on this idea, just send me my royalty checks care of this blog.

Thankfully, These People are Behind Bars

Remember how your mother always told you that you can't tell if a person is good or bad by how they look? She was wrong.

But Can They Insert My Dog in the Famous Dogs Playing Poker Painting?

First an explanation: I found this link among the banner ads that appear on the top part of this blog. Apprently Blooger has some sort of program that guesses what topics might interest this blog's readers and places corresponding ads. I would not blame you one bit if you were offended to find out that Blogger thinks you would be interested in this.

Support

If the man in the article linked in the previous entry had been smuggling mockingbirds into Canada, I would have been there in the courtroom supporting him.

News From the North

Actions like this are why Canadians are leery of Americans.

Relief For Your Stressed Out Dog

Funny, but my poodle used to get the same results from licking himself.

Important Mockingbird Update

The freakin' mockingbird is still terrorizing our neighborhood by chirping all night long. If you haven't read about this demon bird, here is the link to my column about it in the Metrowest Daily News.

Also, helpful reader Dee wrote to offer support saying she has the same problem. She writes: "At 3 a.m. I remind myself I wanted to live in the boonies." She says her neighbors took aggressive action and cut down a small tree near their bedroom window that had become a "mockingbird hangout."

Tom Ridge should be become directly involved in finding a peaceful solution to this obviously growing mockingbird problem. Why do we have a Department of Homeland Security, if not to handle situations exactly like this one?

Traffic Alert

After reading this story, I think you'll agree that the Doors said it best when they sang: "Keep you eyes on the road and your hands upon the wheel."

Breaking News Out of Iraq

He's Baaaack! No, not Saddam. Our good friend the Information Minister!!!

Grueling Scientific Research

Imagine having to painstakingly study 40 years worth of Playboy centerfolds.

Friends Don't Let Friends Mow Drunk

They're cracking down in Germany.

More Undersea Wonders

Last week I linked to an article about newly discovered Giant Sea Spiders off New Zealand. It seems there is even more strange stuff in the ocean waters, such as the Wonky-eyed Squid and Fangtooth. Also, this article has pictures of them.

Pakistan Gets Tough

Trying to halt rising kite deaths.

Shameless Self Promotion

Don't be the only one on your block not to have read this.

Canadian Film Industry Update

And to think, we were all excited when Matt Damon and Ben Affleck made their first movie.

Chinese Man Sued for Naming Dog After Neighbor

What I find odd about the story is that the Chinese man's name is Fang.

Teenage Nude Summer Camp

They didn't have fun stuff like that when I was a kid.

Fly Like an Eagle

Our U.S. Postal Service at its most prompt.

After the Tone...

Please leave your expletive-filled tirate.

A Reason to Avoid Canada this Summer

You could accidentally visit this crappy art exhibition.

Golf Amenities in California

But won't this slow play even more?

Food Alert

If I were you, I'd stock up on Twinkies.

Rough Day at the Bar

In Texas, when the defense rests, it really rests.

No Harry Potter Moaning Toilet Seat

The author draws a line.

Come Visit New Zealand...

...the home of Giant Sea Spiders and Prickly Sharks.

Relatively Good News About Mockingbirds

According to this website, "They [mockingbirds] are not as aggresive as lions, tigers, cheetahs, or other such ferocious hunters." That sound you heard was me going, "Phew!"

The Mockingbird Situation Gets Murkier, and More Frightening

Helpful Reader Leonard tells me the bird I'm having so much trouble with is the Eastern Mocking Bird, or Catbird - so-called because it will sometimes meow like a cat. I pray to God this isn't true. If it's a catbird, then I'm in big trouble and will have to watch my behind at all times.

To understand why I'm worried, you would have to read the wonderful story that Leonard wrote to me about how two catbirds ganged up on a kitten. It was posted here earlier in the day. Unfortunately, Leonard requested that I remove his story from the blog. So, there.

More Mockingbird Suggestions

From Helpful Reader Candace, she says it could be outside lights keeping the mockingbird awake. She says she was sleeping undisturbed one night when her husband woke her up to say a bird wouldn't stop chirping and was keeping him awake. She told him to turn off the outside flood lights, and when he finally did the bird quieted down. What I find amazing to the point of disbelief about her story, however, is that when he woke her up from a sound sleep to complain about the bird, she didn't bludgeon him to death with the clock/radio.

The Munsters Connection

Now I understand why their address was 1313 Mockingbird Lane. Click here to find out what Eddie Munster is up to.

On Further Reflection...

Hey, in the Robert Frost poem posted earlier on this blog, in the second line it reads "And not sing by my house all day." He didn't have a midnight mockingbird problem at all. That big fake. If he was disturbed by a bird during the day all he had to do was turn up his stereo louder.

If it had been a mockingbird keeping him up at night, then this is how the poem would have ended:

And of course there must be something wrong
In wanting to silence any song.

None-the-less I took a sharpened ax,
And chopped down the bird's tree in forty whacks.

Mockingbird Remedy

A Helpful Reader by the name of Sarah emailed me this tip on getting rid of a troublesome mockingbird. The Massachusetts Audubon Society told her to use a tape recorder to record the mockingbird's song, then over the next few nights play it back over and over again until a) the mockingbird leaves thinking another mockingbird is taking over the territory, b) you are arrested for disturbing the peace, or c) you hang yourself using the cord from the tape recorder.

Poetry Corner:

Concerning my column today about a psychotic mockingbird keeping us up all night (a link to my column is provided in the previous entry), a friend, Laura, has sent this poem. Apparently, Robert Frost hated mockingbirds, too.

A Minor Bird

I have wished a bird would fly away,
And not sing by my house all day;

Have clapped my hands at him from the door
When it seemed as if I could bear no more.

The fault must partly have been in me.
The bird was not to blame for his key.

And of course there must be something wrong
In wanting to silence any song.

-- Robert Frost

Shameless Self Promotion

You know you want to. Go ahead and read it.

International Trade Update

Somehow we're getting the short end of this deal.

Referring to the Previous Link, Here's an Oldie-but-Goodie Link

I bet this song is always playing at the Ketchup Store.

Um, Where Do You Stock the Mustard?

I've heard of specialty stores before, but...

Will Hold Sign for Pizza

In Portland, Oregon, the homeless are put to work.

He Might Be Lucky

But I wouldn't get on a plane, or a bus, or a train, or in a car with him.

Squeamish Alert

Guys, if beetles fly out of your urine stream, seek medical attention.

No wonder we can't find Saddam or WMD

This Iraqi hid inside a wall for 22 years.

Reality TV Udpate

Why can't this sort of thing happen on The Bachelor?

Doing Hard Time

Not at this Five-Star Florida resort and minimum security prison.

The Internet at Work

Without it, this much discussion over the sound of a word (in this case: blog) could never take place.

Want Hard Hitting Investigative Journalism?

Read Popular Mechanics.

American Jurisprudence

If you're a judge, this is the sort of far reaching legal issue you deal with every day.

COULD YOU PLEASE TURN DOWN THE MUSIC?

Apparently, Rolling Stones' concerts are loud.

Cell Phone Cameras Under Attack

Sure, it was okay when only spies had this stuff.

What? He Behaved Badly?

The bachelor on NBC's new prostitution reality show, "Have Sex for Money" (er, I mean, "For Love or Money"), has some explaining to do.

Shameless Self Promotion

Go on, you know you want to read this.

More on Martha

Here are more supporters' letters.

Martha Stewart's Fans Rally Behind Her

"Give them hell and give it to them in a finely decorated hand basket," her supporters advise.

Travel Tip, Part III

Instead of England, you can always vacation in the US, camp at Yellowstone Park, and hope a bear doesn't bounce on you while you're in your tent.

Travel Tip, Part II

Also, don't eat if you go to England.

Travel Tip

If you meet at teenager while visiting England, don't shake his or her hand.

Modern Medicine

Swallow two fish and call me in the morning.

Government in Action

Finally, a meaningful governmental program.

I Want Cheese, and I Want It NOW!

Doctor makes shocking cheese-related claim.

Makes Sense to Me

How else would he keep the beer cold during his climb?

Good News for Dad

Sputnik wasn't sold.

Make It Stop

At least with Survivor winners, they fade back into obscurity. Getting rid of these American Idols might require a wooden stake.

Sputnik Sold?

The Sputnik satellite for sale on ebay is gone. Here's the news story telling what you missed out on. If you're still looking for a Sputnik-related gift idea for dad this Father's Day, here's an idea.

But What Was the Scarf For?

Maybe this guy was heading to a Naked Cowboy concert.

Well, Shizzle My Nizzle

In this court case, the FBI's mod squad should have been called in.

FBI Gets Help from New Mod Squad

"'They, like, don’t know anything,' said Mary, 14, giggling."

90-year-old Man Wins $16M Lottery

Now all the 80-year-old gold diggers will be after his money.

Does It Mean the Wedding's Off?

This sort of thing doesn't happen in Las Vegas.

Did I Miss a Memo

Men are using cosmetic surgery in record numbers.

Shameless Self Promotion

Good news, the recent occurrences of missing quotation marks in the online version of my column appears to be over. Our nation's alert status can now be lowered to Off White.

Latest Dixie Chicks Controversy

Now they're bad mouthing other musicians.

Great Gift Idea

Father's Day is coming up.

A Solution to the World's Problems

That was easy.

Ambassador to the World

This is why Americans are so well respected overseas.

True Artistic Expression

If Van Gogh did T-shirts.

Television Programming First

Didn't the cats enjoy American Idol?

Whale Petters Take Notice!

That sort of behavior will no longer be tolerated in Canada.

The Friendly Skies

But who's flying the plane?

Who Can You Believe Anymore?

Especially when the criminals lie.