Wednesday, February 28, 2007


Let Them Eat Tofu
Give it up for the Royal Family. They are always good for a few lines when you don't know what to put into a blog. The best part of today's news blurb is that it has nothing to do with scandal or Princess Diana. It's from Prince Charles - who is living in his own version of Backup Quarterback for Eternity Hell so is probably a bit punchy waiting to become king - who announced that he thinks governments should take away the basic human right to eat a Big Mac. If Bill Clinton were still president, these would be fighting words.

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Should we be worried? If it happens to us, I would have nothing to wear.

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Yeah, it was the online marathon gambling binge that did him in, not the fact that he weighed 330 pounds to start with.

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This is a much better idea than looking in the ocean for new species of fish. I was able to discover some new species right in my local supermarket.

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Educators get tough in Milan.

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Awwwwww.

Monday, February 26, 2007


Y2K Redo
It has come to my attention that there is a serious 311Y2K07 virus that will affect thousands, if not millions, of our nation's alarm clocks. I'm begging the public not to panic, but you probably won't be able to help yourself once I inform you that Daylight Saving Time will start weeks earlier than normal and according to our nation's top minds, if we WAIT TO RESET OUR ALARM CLOCK'S ON THE FIRST SUNDAY IN APRIL AS WE ARE ACCUSTOMED TO WE RISK BEING LATE FOR WORK FOR WEEKS CAUSING HUNDREDS OF BILLIONS OF DOLLARS OF LOST PRODUCTIVITY AND POSSIBLY SENDING OUR NATION INTO A RECESSION AND BEING OVERRUN BY THE TERRORISTS.

I apologize for the CAP LOCKS, but I felt this issue is that important. So you might be wondering: What can I do? And the answer is: Not a hell of a lot. My suggestion is to stock several months worth of canned food and water, and if you haven't already duct taped plastic across all exterior doors and windows, do so now. Then hire a IT professional to come to your home and make sure it is 311Y2K07 compatible. This should cost no more than $2,000-$3,000. If you are charged more, there is a good possibility they are trying to take advantage of you during this panic situation and you should ask to see an itemized list of charges before paying them whatever they want.

Your computer, by the way, should already have been automatically updated with the new Daylight Saving Time dates, but if not it takes two seconds to click on the time at the bottom right corner and reset the clock by an hour.

Good luck. We'll need it.

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The prodigal clean-up hitter returns.

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Nothing says childhood fun like collecting colored powder. Notice, it seems like a good idea to wear eye protection.

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JetBlue found it can offer cheaper airline ticket prices if it doesn't actually fly people places.

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This news will make the next Sharpton-Thurmond family reunion a bit awkward.

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Criminals in Canada: Not the brightest.

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One million Scoville heat units is one hot pepper. My advice for guys from my own personal experience when dealing with hot peppers: after handling peppers wash your hands before attempting to go to the bathroom.

Friday, February 23, 2007

Separated at Birth?
I believe this shocking development is important enough to briefly suspend my ANS Free Zone pledge. It has come to my attention after seeing him on every newscast last night that the wacky judge in the Smith Corpse Custody hearing bears a strong resemblance to this Arrested Development actor and they are proably twins separated at birth. Even if he isn't, Tambor can play the judge in the inevitable upcoming TV docudrama on Fox: Huh? The Anna Nicole Smith Story.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Happy Heart Day
On behalf of all guys everywhere, I only have one thing to say this Valentine's Day: Thanks a lot Hallmark. Otherwise we are totally on board with this special day, seeing how chocolate is normally involved.

While I am too busy to blog any further, I did locate a few links of Valentine-related interest, including this one that proves once again that those who can't, teach. Quote of Note: But if you recognize her, it probably is from one of the many reality dating shows she has appeared in, including The Bachelor, Blind Date, Chains of Love and Single in L.A.— "every cheesy reality dating show known to mankind," she said, "and I'm still single." Go figure, huh?

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Who says there is never anything on cable. (OK, this story is a week old, but I came across it looking for a different story and realized I never blogged it last week So sue me.)

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I thought the bottle was the ultimate beer glass.

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We are being hit my a Nor'easter here. So you think it is easy being a plow driver? Ha!

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Of course, shoveling has its risks also.

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Right, like you never left an empty soda cup, or several tons of trash, in your car before.

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Looking for something romantic to do tonight. You can always take that special valentine in your life to the zoo to watch some wild porcupine sex.

Monday, February 12, 2007


Not Your Grandmother's Grammys
The Dixie Chicks showed that the Bush Bashing continues. This was a musical group that at one time would have moved into second place after Saddam's hanging in the category of Most Hated Individual or Group Still Alive in the War on Terror. Now they might be no higher than seventh or eighth. This helps explain their winning five Grammy Awards last night, which is hugely impressive considering they were only nominated for three.

Am I the only one who is actually frightened by the size of Mary J. Blige's biceps?

But the highlight of the Grammys started with the Police reunion. Thankfully, it was a lute free zone.

What is up with the top teeth of that Gnarls Barkley guy, Cee-Lo? He could gnaw through a steel I-beam. (Hey, I just checked Wikipedia, Cee-Lo and I share the same birthday.)

James Blunt didn't win anything for his hit Your Beautiful since their wasn't a category called Most Loathed Song in the World by an Individual or Group. Want your brain to melt? Here is a midi file of that song.

By this picture it was confirmed that Prince was electrocuted during the Super Bowl performance in the rain.

That has been your Grammy Award update.

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Some people are rooting for Global Warming.

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I can see this happening to my son, who feels his spray deodorant is not fully effective unless an actual, visible cloud of it is surrounding him.

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Links to Stuff Mentioned in This Week's Column:
Here is a Keith Olberman follow up piece on the Great Boston Lite Brite Scare. Right after I finished my column, this report came across. Apparently, the old business adage is true: You can't cost your network $2 million and not lose your job. Especially if it doesn't improve the ratings. Doing some research, I found a place to eat that was still Atkins Diet friendly. This FEMA for Kids site explains what Y2K was, then ends by stating that January 1, 2000 was the start of the 21st century. “Brownie, you’re doing a heck of a job.” Who wants movie trailers? Here’s the Snopes website. Repeat after me, Iraq is the one on the left. Finally, relax and listen to The Who’s We Won’t Get Fooled Again, in the traditional midi file version as Pete Townsend originally envisioned it, a music form which research has shown can cause dementia.

Friday, February 09, 2007

ANS FREE ZONE
This is an Anna Nicole Smith Free Zone. As a quick aside, however, I remember the days when a celebrity worthy of this type of coverage at death first did something noteworthy while alive, such as sing, dance, tell jokes, go on a five-state killing spree, marry Elizabeth Taylor, etc. But that's all I'm going to say on the issue, because if I rant anymore, then this would no longer be a ANS Free Zone. Thank you for your understanding.

One last, quick footnote about Super Bowl XLI coverage before we reach the point (by March) when we have to stop and think about who even played in it. (Don't believe me, then quickly answer these simple questions: Who played in the 2006 World Series? What about the 2005 World Series? How about the 2005 Stanley Cup? Hah, that last one was a trick question. The NHL didn't even play in 2004-2005. How many readers forgot that?)

Anyway, we were all quite aware that it was the first time black head coaches were in the Super Bowl. But after awhile did anyone else sense a Michael Scott Moment occurring? Michael Scott, of course, is the character on the show The Office played by Steve Carell who has taken inappropriate comments to a new level, has taken sensitivity out of sensitivity training, tries desperately to prove that he understands the plight of every minority group in existence, and does all this with a clueless-ness that matches Maxwell Smart. A Michael Scott Moment then is defined as the moment when the words speak much louder than action. This sums up the Super Bowl coverage, whether it was the rambling commentary before, during, and after the game, or the commercials that decided black head coaches in the Super Bowl was a good bandwagon to hop on. At one point, I think it was during the third quarter, Phil Simms started filling airtime with what must have been his requisite rambling about the Greatness and Importance of this Historic Ocassion, and he started repeating himself and talking in circles and was stretching to make us understand how Great, Important and Historic this Ocassion was, in case we were as bright as a field goal upright and couldn't figure it out ourselves. It was a pure Michael Scott Moment, only without the unintended deragotory statements. But when it was happening, I was waiting for them.


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Without fans, won't it seem like soccer in the US then? Meanwhile, in Berlin, they are taking their shirts off their backs trying to attract fans.

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Horse, it's what's for dinner.

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And if this had been a guy, all the jokes would have been how he didn't want to ask for directions.

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It's good to see that some men still aspire to greatness.

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This sort of thing would happen more often if David Blaine was a college philosophy professor, except the barrel would be suspended in the air, or encased in a block of ice, or something equally philosophical.

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Cool. Really cool.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Space Oddity
In writing, you always try to find the one detail that explains more than a thousand words could. When it comes to the story of Lisa Nowak, the astronaut charged with attempted murder, that detail is how she wore a diaper to drive from Texas to Florida so she wouldn't need potty stops on her way to confront her victim. That detail sums up everything going on inside Nowak's head. It was perfect.

Watching the news about the incident last night, a reporter from Orlando was doing a standup for a Boston station, and the Orlando reporter used three "he/she used to...but now he/she" comparisons. For instance, if it were a story about a circus acrobat who is now a prostitute, the reporter would say (somehow without cracking a smile, which I find amazing): "She used to walk a tightrope, but now she walks the streets." The reporter last night offered this triple play of journalistic gems, which I am paraphrasing as best as I can remember them: "She used to be a hero, but now she is charged with attempted murder," ""She used to wear a space suit, but now she wears an orange jump suit," and finally, "She used to go into outer space, but now she will go back to Houston after making bail." (For a moment I thought she was going to say, "but now she is going to prison." I would have snorted diet Pepsi across the family room if she had.) All three "used to but now" comparisons were made within a sixty second report. If that is not a record, it is close.

Between stories about astronauts gone wild and Iraq, we have the ten or twenty thousand daily stories about American Idol. The theme of most articles this year being whether or not American Idol is more mean than in past years. Personally, I don't see it. Obviously, the editors could leave out miles of tape showing the judges being as nice as Mary Poppins or as nasty as Don Rickles. But from what's aired, the judges seem as merciless as usual with what we can dub the Deluded Class. These are people who for some reason can't self evaluate. There are people on the show with real talent who just fall short, and there are people just looking for air time, but every season there is a huge segment who is gawd awful, with no talent, but they don't see it. What else are they not realizing about themselves and the world around them? It could explain a lot about society. If there aren't already, there should be graduate level anthropological courses at major universities, such as Harvard, based solely on these people auditioning.

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You know how you wake up next to your spouse with morning breath? This is worse.

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Wait! Prince doesn't drive a Corvette, too, does he?

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"What could you possible be doing all that time in the bathroom? Googling?"

Monday, February 05, 2007


V Final Thoughts on Super Bowl XLI
I) Not until Rex Grossman started dropping snaps and throwing directly to the Colts defenders did I get the feeling either team wanted to win this game. Even then, neither team seemed to want to win, but I figured the Colts couldn't choke this game away if they tried. Manning passed for enough yardage to earn frequent flyer miles to Cancun, but the offense never made it more than a one possession game. Chicago was always a breakaway run from taking the lead until the interception return in the fourth quarter.

II) Vinatieri missed. It was good for New England's collective heart seeing him Vanderyank a field goal attempt at the end of the first half. It just shows he's merely a very good, Hall-of-Fame kicker, but he's not perfect. But how important is the snapper and holder?

III) Did anyone else expect to see Prince (the artist formerly known by a goofy-looking symbol) get electrocuted during his performance in the rain? It was the only reason I kept watching. Note to Super Bowl Half Time Show Committee: book whomever you want, it could be the Wiggles, just make sure to place them in a perilous situation. Viewers enjoy that.

IV) Right after the game I switched to the local Fox affiliate for the news, and only at the end of the sports segment did the sports guy even mention the Super Bowl outcome, and only as an aside, as if reporting on the Australian Open or something of limited viewer interest. Was there a news blackout? Is it Fox spite? They did a story on injured Celtic Paul Pierce almost returning to the team and Dice-K making a Japanese commercial in which he drinks a beer. Yeah, those are bigger sports stories than the Super Bowl.

V) If you want to make a humorous Super Bowl ad, it never hurts to have two lions discussing the proper way to roll their r's while saying carne asada. It also helps to mention Ricardo Montalban, it has a guaranteed snicker quotient of 8.5.

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Kids have everything so much easier. In my day, we had to work hard to find porn.

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Speaking of seeing people nude, I have one question about nudist gym time: Because why exactly?

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Of course, this makes perfectly good sense.

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Links to Stuff Mentioned in This Week's Column:
The "Wow" starts now, which as hard as it is to believe is the actual marketing slogan for Vista. In case you thought I was exaggerating about the home development names in Arizona, here's one, here's another, still another, here's one more, and this is the last one I'll post. This looks similar to the avocado green refrigerator in my basement. Finally, here's what Windows 3.0 looked like, and here's lawn furniture.

Friday, February 02, 2007

A Few Thoughts About Boston’s Lite Brite Scare
OK. First, anytime a stupid marketing campaign – this one for a dumb cartoon none-the-less - disrupts a major city there is a certain humorous quality to it. Maybe the people involved don’t see it that way. They probably shouldn’t. But let’s face it, from a detached view it is funny. Still, that doesn’t mean the police didn’t do the right thing, or that the marketing company and TBS shouldn’t be taken out back and flogged for general stupidity until they write a check with a lot of zeroes on it. Most practical jokes fall into this gray area of humor.

INTENT
As for practical jokes, no one has suggested the company intended these light boards to appear to be dangerous. It just looked that way to law enforcement agents at the time. The real intent of the campaign seemed extremely narrow: to promote a product among those people who already are viewers, and maybe in the process getting a few others to watch. I mean, unless you knew about the show prior to seeing these lit Mooninites peering down from buildings and underpasses at night, it would mean nothing to you. And without any written description saying it was something on The Cartoon Network or part of a show called, Aqua Lung Teen Fighter or whatever it is, you wouldn’t know where to begin to figure out what it meant. So, it is a fringe show being marketed in a fringe, you’re-in-the-know, insider-joke, outside-the-mainstream manner to a small, core audience. Yet now we get young people bleating about how the authorities should have known what it was and have been more in touch with youth culture. Well, you can’t be fringe and mainstream at the same time, people. They are opposite states of popularity. This is Teen Aqua Man FooFighters (or whatever), not the Simpsons. There’s a difference.

GUERILLA MARKETING
Another line of comments coming out from the younger set is that we older people are not hip enough to recognize guerilla marketing. This was such a hip and cool campaign, we are told, that we older folks don’t even get it. Really? Here is what this marketing campaign, stripped of its light board, essentially was: The putting up of yard sale posters, or signs around town about a lost puppy. Pure genius. The other thing is, it appears that for the most part these signs were stolen almost as quickly as they went up. That is a big part of the reason why other cities hadn’t noticed them. When authorities from these cities went to retrieve the signs after the Boston scare, most were gone. Only because of what happened in Boston, did the show and networks gain any publicity at all. But since it wasn’t their intention to create a bomb scare and attract massive media attention (see first section on INTENT) that means if the marketing campaign went as planned it would have reached almost no one. Good job, folks. We’ll hire you again.

I also read a comment somewhere trying to explain the reasoning behind guerilla marketing. The writer said that guerilla marketing is needed more than ever because with remote controls and now TiVo, young people hardly ever watch commercials anymore. Sounds reasonable. But it is a rather strange thing for a company whose revenue stream is from selling commercial air time to admit by using a guerilla marketing firm. The Cartoon Network is saying, in other words: we know commercial air time is so worthless, we have looked for other ways to advertise.

CONTEXT
Some smug people suggested that these light boards were obviously harmless, and only dolts would think otherwise, and these dolts overreacted. Well, here’s my take on it. Until my job description includes the removing and disarming of potentially explosive devices, then I am not going to second guess the decision by these bomb experts to follow the very detailed protocols put in place. They might even have thought there was a 99 percent chance that these were harmless when they arrived on the scene and took a look at them, but boy that one percent is going to leave a mark. I am sure a Ryder truck parked in front of a Federal building in Oklahoma City looked benign enough until it exploded killing 180 people, including children in a daycare center. Bomb squads always seem to be blowing up someone’s forgotten lunch. But they don’t mess around with this stuff lightly for a very simple reason, that one percent, or one-tenth of a percent could mean people dying. You want their job? You want to make the decision on how cautiously to proceed? You can have it.

Another point about context: Yes, these might look benign after seeing photos of them being put up all lit and everything. But wires and batteries on something attached to a bridge support? That’s what you call a red flag. It is all about context. There were also terrorist alerts going on in London, Washington DC, New York, and an unrelated bomb scare report in Boston that morning. Put yourself in that situation and see how you react.

Put another way, imagine a guy walks into a bank wearing a ski mask. Is the teller he is quickly approaching supposed to assume a) he is there to rob the bank, or b) part of some hip and cool guerilla marketing campaign for an upcoming snowboarding competition. If I were the teller, I would press the silent alarm and let the police sort it out.

LAUGHINGSTOCK
This was the headline last night on MSNBC, taken from a quote from yet another younger generation person over the incident. Oh my, Boston is a laughingstock around the world for overreacting. To which I reply. So what? Who cares? I mean really, what possible difference could it make? It is not the type of thing that hurts tourism - no one is going to decide against visiting here because authorities overreacted in this case. It won’t keep companies from locating in the region, either. The polar opposite outcome would have: Had the city not responded quickly to real explosive devises and as a result things like bridges and train stations were blown apart and people died, then we would take a hit on tourism and with businesses wanting to locate here. To their credit, if a similar incident were to happen today, none of the authorities with the city or state would likely react differently.

OUTCOME
Turner Broadcasting is going to write a huge check to the city to cover the costs involved, and hopefully, much more. They are getting a lot of publicity, but it won’t be free. As for the guerilla marketing firm, they should be lambasted and I hope held accountable. Hey, they should be prepared to accept the consequences, even if it means jail time. After all they are the guerilla marketers here, living on the edge, pushing the envelope. Sometimes the envelope pushes back. That’s the risk they take. As for the two goofballs who were arrested for placing the light boards around Boston, I originally thought they deserved a bit of a break, but after their obnoxious rant about hair and their giggling, I wouldn’t feel too sorry to see the case against them proceed.

The good news is that the city will have carried out a massive, impromptu, counterterrorism drill that eventually will be funded by TBS. Any training is good training. As for the young people who mock the whole event and the reaction by Boston and Massachusetts authorities, that is mostly a matter of age-blurred perception. And youth is a short lived experience that one eventually recovers from. But even in my advanced age of 40-something, I can still see the humor in what happened. As for marketing plans gone awry, it reminds me of a fictitious one. An episode on WKRP in Cincinnati, were a Thanksgiving Day promotion included the dropping of live turkeys from a helicopter. Needless to say, that marketing scheme landed with a thud also.