A Really Good Friday
People with leaf blowers stay away from Brutus, he already mauled a chainsaw because he didn't like the noise...The Emmys are already lined up and standing at attention in anticipation of this new reality TV show....This isn't good news, we have tickets to the Red Sox-Yankees game that night. If the Lations go on strike, who's left to play? A-Rod will be deciding what to do right up to the first pitch. Meanwhile, Red Sox fans are looking forward to Damon's return. Speaking of the Yankees, I'm not the only one who believes in the Curse that Ruth Built.....Bank Robbery for Dummies: Step One: use an inconspicuous getaway car....Better mixed drinks through science: check down on the left side of this site for some empirical evidence on the Theory of Relatively Hammered....Music Friday: time for some Gomez. You just have to respect a band which lists among its influences Charlie Mingus, The Beatles, The Grateful Dead, and pizza commercials on television.

Now Boarding Gate to Hell
This is exactly the kind of car Americans would buy, if only it came in a seven passengers version with room in the back to carry a full size refrigerator....Meanwhile, Congress is investigating Big Oil, fearing that the current gas price increases could threaten the American Way of Life, namely their chances for re-election.....Now on to the day's more important issues: On American Idol people thankfully stopped picking Pickler....A senate committee recommends abolishing FEMA. What has people in Washington worried is that FEMA officials have been stockpiling supplies and are now hunkering down in one of the agency's modern emergency bunkers....SRO from BOS to LAX: Hey, look on the bright side, at least you get all the legroom you need. I recall reading a piece years ago by Roy Blount, Jr. recommending a very similar thing. His idea, I think, was more along the lines of taking out all the seats and just keep loading in passengers until they didn't fit anymore. And the passengers could take whatever they wanted with them, all their luggage, farm animals, etc. Maybe those weren't Mr. Blount's ideas exactly, and if that is the case, I'll take credit for them....If you ever listen to the chirps of a songbird and wonder: "Did that bird just use a split infinitive?" you'll be glad to know you might not be as insane as everyone says. Speaking of noisy birds and insanity, I keep fearing a return of the dreaded mockingbird.

What the Hell is Wrong With This World...
...when we have Cannibalistic Mormon Crickets on the March?...Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm guessing there aren't a lot of situations that call for giving a giant turtle a CT scan....For those planning on visiting Wisconsin, you might want to learn the language first. (If I lived in Wisconsin, maybe my name could be posted on this site, too.)....When we read stories such as this one, we must ask ourselves why peace hasn't been reached in the Middle East yet?...The Middle East can wait, send Henry Kissinger to the set of American Idol immediately...Class, today we are going to have a pop quiz . Eyes on your own paper....Chinese reap the benefits of economic growth...I missed The Apprentice on Monday, but am happy to report that Andrea, the Person You Would Least Want to Work For Except for Maybe This Guy, got axed.

BOOOOO-ahem -mer
The way the Red Sox are playing, excluding David Wells last night,. Dennis Leary might want to hide...So what do the seminarians do after they pick God or the girl, give a rose to the one they choose?...Not surprising the US is #1 in this, we are the trans fat leader of the world. But maybe what we really need is to improve our lifestyle...We can only say, It's about time. Side Note, the last link was from a newspaper in Mesa, Ariz. You have to respect a newspaper that uses a chili as its main logo, the way Joe Pulitzer always dreamed to do....American Idol Update: Bucked Off! The real question is, how did he get this far? Unless there were two of them...Myrtle Beach throws down the gauntlet, or in this case, the sand bucket and shovel...Financial Tip of the Day: When you need a good hiding place for a lot of cash, don't put it inside a garbage bag....Good news for global competition, the Japanese are going insane. What is a Kamen Rider, you ask?

Ooops!
Britney Spears latest song: "Ooops, I Dropped the Baby Again."...Our future national leaders are at Yale learning the ropes....Does Hugh Hefner know about this? He would have paid the maid at least 2,000 ringgits....It was OK though, because the drunk pilot planned to fly slowly and close to the ground. Nothing out of the ordinary should have happened...Careful, Raja the Elephant is sick and "unable to purge normally" which can't be a good thing...Shocking Ryan Seacrest related news! Meanwhile, what would Freddie Mercury be thinking?...Got a few minutes, here's Game 6 as rendered in Nintendo RBI Baseball. How did the Sox lose this one?

Home Opener
It is Opening Day at Fenway Park. And the fans are in mid-season form already. What's it like playing here? “I keep telling the new guys, when you go out to play that first game at Fenway, you might need a diaper,” David Ortiz said..... See, getting shot at during a hunting trip happens all the time....Speaking of shots, presenting Vodka Wars: to be made into a movie called Full Metal Martini Shaker...Animal Porn: In Tennessee, the thing to do there is watch naked mole-rats....Warning, when you read this story feel free to cover your face and cringe: Up your nose with a sterilized rubber hose, that has a balloon attached to the end....The Italian election is over, so we can resume ignoring the country....Going out for Sushi tonight? Thanks, but I'll pass.

Election Day
It's Election Day in Italy, and Premier Silvio Berlusconi, the candidate who pledged not to have sex until voters went to the polls will finally get some relief today. Why don't we get interesting candidates like that here in America?...Maybe I'm wrong about this, but if Wal-Mart gets into banking, would you trust leaving your money with these people?...How long before residents in this English town beg a crook to mug the town crier?...Guys planning on driving in Nicosia, keep your eyes on the road, not on the billboards...In baseball news, Red Sox fan think: Uh -oh. But there may be some very good news to report....It's good to see people are out there making a difference. But what's up with reindeer sausage pizza and chicken and ranch dressing pizza? Meanwhile, you must ask yourself: when was the last time your pizza toppings resembled a famous newsmaker?

Back Ache to the Future
Uh-oh, blue and red rings can't be good; you should make an appointment to have a proctologist take a look. (I know, this is a crude, childish pun. That's what I like about it.)... Maybe what you really need is a medical care professional who can travel back in time. Question, if your chiropractor goes back in time to cure you, does he charge you at that past year's rate?....Any NFL team looking for a quarterback who can throw 100 yards over power lines and a creek, look no further...Education Today: "Class, now we are all going to stand up and do the pee-pee dance until the bus arrives." And still, half the kids probably waited until they got home...I'm not exactly sure what this is all about, but it looks as if some Japanese will now be living in gerbil habitats...."As president, I'm glad to see those people in the large domed building passed the whatchamacallit dealing with the thingamajig."..."Kids, be quiet while daddy talks to the nice lady."...World tensions grow, and who could blame them?..If chiropractor's can go back in time, why not us: enjoy a little A Flock of Seagulls mixed with Back to the Future clips. Christopher Lloyd has the hair for it.

Cats and Dogs
Further proof that cats want us dead: Now they are purposefully spreading the Bird Flu. Although it's easy to understand why they hate us...Oh, I forgot, nobody actually cares about this. The country of Moldova seems to have just discovered the special joy to be had from celebrity divorces, something People magazine has based its entire existence on..."I Can't Get No Shrimp Lo Mein...". Maybe The Stones will visit the Great Wall of China and reminisce about what it looked like during construction....Here's your Idol update, for those who didn't plunge flaming bamboo ka-bob skewers into your ear canals during Tuesday's Kenny Rogers' Country Song Night. Kenny's Country Song Advice on Idol: Eat a hearty meal first....Prison Break: Doggie Style. This might explain why Rosco tried to escape. Soon, dogs will hate us as much as cats do...And here's to you Mrs. Robinson.

Out of this World
Good news for people looking to have a drink in an out of the way location, and who enjoy space travel....Now we know what caused dinosaurs to become extinct, after eating they became very sleepy. Here's an artist rendering of Jurassic Turkey. Compare it to today's domestic turkey. Meanwhile, Rufus the turkey is causing something of a stir in Idaho, where the news business is really slow. (The town in Idaho is named Culdesac, does that mean there's only one way in and out of town?)...We shudder to think what might have happened to this young man if he had played Rock to Casbah....People looking for a hobby to occupy their spare time, consider walking around the world, just get Russia's permission first....Between this and the new math, who knows what kids in India are being taught these days. Henny Youngman would have fit right in...Apparently, the crew of the Starship Enterprise, found the giant cloud of alcohol.

Reality
What's next after this? Sesame Street In-Utero, Educational Television for the Fetus...Baseball is back and that can only mean one thing, fans throwing syringes at Bonds. Meanwhile, Bonds has a reality TV show starting that might help answer some questions we've had about his odd behavior. Speaking of Opening Day, the new guys on the Red Sox are fitting in nicely ...This should help airline passengers forget that they don't have room for their legs....Does it seem warm to you?...Wardrobe malfunctions becoming a worldwide phenomenon: Once could be an accident, twice a trend, but three times and it's a reality TV show...Everyone wants politicians to speak their mind, until they do.

Opening Day!
It's official, Spring has arrived because the Boys of Summer are back for their annual quest to win the Fall Classic. Red Sox fans are preparing for another exciting year of ups and downs (Warning: Ear Muffs). There are many new faces on the team. (All right, this whole doll thing is extremely creepy and, besides, the doll is a fan whore.) The Yankees, meanwhile, kept their core players together for another year....Damon Lee Roth Update: The only surprise here is that they gave David Lee Roth just a warning instead of canceling the show immediately. After all, Roth might be the only person ever to interview Johnny Damon and make Damon feel as if he was the smart one. Don't believe it? Take a listen. (Hint: fast forward to the end of the second link to hear one of the most bizarre attempts at a joke in recorded history.)...Parents in the market for a car seat, check the size your child needs first. Note, parenting doesn't get any easier...Personally, I think this is just a fad. I mean, what sort of person would spend his time reading news from all over the world on a computer?... Good luck to these drug smugglers trying to explain this when they meet their maker....Want to get out of Iran? The old fake wrestler ploy has already been tried....Play ball! First pitch is this afternoon. Batters, watch out for low and inside.