Perfectly Good Explanation
Eating at Jack-in-the-Box can make you disoriented and confused.

If This Works in Colombia...
Expect California's gubernatorial candidates to try the same thing.

Not Much Chance of a Reunion Tour
Especially if their concert goes as planned.

Good News for Junk Food Lovers
No health-crazed, food Nazi is going to outlaw Twinkies so long as there are courageous people left in Texas willing to deep fry anything.

That's the Problem with Stodgy Presidential Elections
Not enough use of cheesy animation.

Mice Alert in DC
Don't Congressmen do the same thing?

Understatement of the Day
Concerning a driver who drove into a construction trench and landed on two gas lines:

"This thing could have easily turned very sour had it broke and had it ignited with him in the car down in that hole." - Portland Fire Bureau spokesman Neil Heesacker.

Very sour?

Great
Something else to worry about when you visit Boston.

Another Angry Car Salesman Alert
Gosh, my recent article about buying a car touched a nerve. I got this email from a "car salesman" this morning:


So you don't think I didn't take this seriously, I've already sent e-mails to the papers which print your column and expressed my disgust with you. To say your column is a complete disservice to many quality, professional men and women is an understatement.

After having read your story I discussed it with a number of coworkers and one in particular commented on how she couldn't understand what purpose it served except to show the ignorance of the author. With that in mind I remind you of the old adage "Ignorance is bliss" you sir must be a VERY happy man. Your comment that salesmen must be offended by the perception most consumers have of them would be offensive if it wasn't being delivered by a man, trying to, in a pathetic attempt bolster his own questionable worth. Now I'm not saying that you didn't experience the salesman you describe, but frankly you get what you deserve by going to THAT dealership and not choosing more wisely the make of your new automobile. But to paint with a broad stroke all salesmen being guilty of the behavior you describe is a repugnant as saying all Irishmen are drunks, all Italians are in the mob, all Jews are cheap, all African-Americans are stupid and lazy.....get my point. Perhaps I could right a column Titled "Stupid Polish car buyers and why salesmen abuse them" surely I can conclude based on your performance all of you are equally inept. Damn good thing the salesman wasn't black, would have hated to see what you would have said then, undoubtedly you would have felt he was a racist and treated you poorly due to the color of your skin. You go on to say that its understandable that car salesmen are the way they are because we have been at our jobs for a minimal length of time, we don't know our product, etc., well I will, as well as any of the other salesmen I know in this business, pit my knowledge of what we do against any topic you chose to debate. For your information I've sold cars for about 8 yrs and I work with gentlemen that have better than 40 yrs experience, does that qualify as long enough? Sure there are dealerships where the salesmen have to rely on managers to guide them in offering a purchase price and trade-in values but from what I see of your skills you could do with some guidance yourself. But again sir at my dealership you would have dealt with a salesman that negotiates his own
deals and only refers to a manager for final approval, ah but you see you chose a Japanese car, we do sell American. Oh by the way I sell the highest rated family sedan on the market the one rated the best overall value, yes again its a domestic, and you chose foreign.

And it keeps going on from there, but you get the idea. What I like most about the letter is that even though he is incredibly angry with me he still keeps the presence of mind to mention that he sells "the highest rated family sedan on the market, the one rated the best overall value."

God bless him, he's the kind of guy who'll have his business cards out at his own wake.

You Think We Have Environmental Problems in the US?
At least we don't have giant, car-eating shrubbery.

David Lee Roth Cracks Own Face
Doing complicated Samurai move on stage.

Ohhhh-kaaay!
Who really needs the psychologist first, the chicken or the owner?

Lock Your Doors in Minnesota
The bear on your deck might want to come in.

But Can He Use Them to Fly?
Thinking up why having the world's biggest ears would be a good thing.

Faith in American Constitution Restored
When a government body can help keep the ballet-dancing mermaids of Florida going.

American Justice, Phooey!
Will the Supreme Court hear this case?

Shameless Self Promotion
Dr. Phil's Five Steps to Enjoying My Column: Step 1, read this.

Did the Bridesmaid and Best Man Have to Keep Up?
"I now pronounce you husband and wife, you may run to the finish line."

Important Pet News
Cat owners take note.

Police Beat
Ma'am...uh, sir...is that a bomb in your thong, or are you just happy to see me?

Rant and Rave
Here's what somebody by the name of John Thomas wrote about car salesmen, which appeared on the Car Talk guys', Click and Clack's, website.

Angry Car Salesman
Uh-oh! It seems that my recent column about my less-than-car-commercial-happy experience buying a new car made some car salesmen angry. One salesman, who sells "Hazdas" locally sent me an email, in which he writes in part:

I wanted to comment on your column that ran in the Metrowest Daily News. As a matter of fact, we used your article in our Saturday Morning Meeting. I myself think this kind of "tongue in cheek" article can be used as a motivational tool to help train
new salespeople. You know, those "People You Can't Stand". I would like to know how many people contributed to this article? By stating that "A large segment of the general public view them unfavorably", I'm sure you must of done hours of research "cold calling" various people getting their opinion on this matter. If you could forward a list of these people, it would be greatly appreciated. You would appear to be an extremely intelligent man, (your writing skills are impeccable) but how can you intelligently speak for "the general public"?

I find it rather amusing that in our great country of the UNITED STATES of AMERICA we excercise our freedom of speech, but shouldn't it be reserved for people that will speak and write factually? I'm sorry that you had a terrible experience in purchasing your new "Fonda", but by making ridiculous "blanket" statements makes no sense at all.

Do you see what he wrote there. Can you believe it? He said my writing skills were impeccable! What a swell guy. I won't even mention the fact that he also thinks I'm "extremely intelligent."

But he is right about one thing, I didn't call a random sampling of consumers to guage their opinion of car salesmen. Gallup Polls does, though. Every year. Here is the 1999 results, which ranks car salesmen at the bottom of the list in terms of honesty and ethics. A spot they have held since 1977. Here is a more recent Gallup Poll summary, which seems to indicate that car salesmen are now second to the bottom, ahead of telemarketers. Something that the Hazda salesman can surely be proud of and bring up at next Saturday's morning meeting: ("Good news, people, we are now regarded by the general public more highly than telemarketers. Yea!")

Those Nutty Japanese
What will they think up next? And the best part: It's coming to Times Square.

Found
Dentist's missing giant toothbrush recovered. Unfortunately, authorities are still trying to locate this.

Another Inspirational Story
The bond between a man and his kangaroo knows no boundries.

Travel Note for Businessmen Heading to LA
There have been some major changes.

Don't Cheat a Monkey
They'll know.

Keep Your Eyes Open
If you find the missing Pink Elephant, contact Portland, Oregon immediately.

Say Cheese
Some business owners don't like people photographing their place of business.

Shameless Self Promotion
Before you read this, let me talk to my sales manager and I'll be right back.

Planning a Visit to New Zealand?
Stay clear of the Maori Challenge.

Just Asking, but...
Has Playboy ever seen the women of Wal-Mart?

Heads Up for Parents
Frosty the Snotman, and others, are coming to town.

"Bodily fluids became our creative direction. They kind of set the tone."

Mascot Draws 15-Yard Penalty
If this happened to the Cowboys, Bill Parcells would make sure the mascot, named Blitz, a giant lark (a giant lark?), was the after game buffet's main course.

Some Men Aspire To Lead
Others push monkey nuts with their nose

Jittery People Unite!
They oppose new tax on espresso.

Why We Need Air Marshals
To prevent exactly this sort of thing.

Single Guys Take Note
Maybe they are just afraid of her.

Sometimes It's Not Better Late than Never
But at least everything was ready.

Practicing a Musical Instrument in Germany
While driving 80 miles an hour.

Shamelss Self Promotion
Read this, before John Madden's head crashes into earth.

This Item is Two Years Old...
But we thought it important enough that readers would want to know.

Attention: Young Men
I suggest you move to Norway.

A Way to Increase Viewership of Our Presidential Election Debates
We should take a lesson from Azerbaijan.

Travel Tips
This year plan a vacation to someplace cold and desolate.

Tricks of the Television News Trade
This could explain Dan Rather.

Shameless Self Promotion
Before they ask the Big Question, read this.