Trading Places
Another actor in his 80s died. Coincidence, or a case for the Murder, She Wrote lady? Assuming, that is, she's not already dead herself...The Stealth American Idol contestant from two towns over, who is finally getting air time since making it to the top 24, performs tonight. The competition is formidable...Great, Microsoft is coming out with a new product I'll never be able to figure out how to use...In news from abroad, the British are fat...This reminds me, today's Fat Tuesday, and Mardi Gras is on in New Orleans, where they still rely on FEMA for some necessities. They will have another big clean up afterward....Manny comes out of hiding tomorrow, Ash Wednesday, perhaps for Lent he has given up asking for a trade. Representing the meat is agent Drew Rosenhaus...Bush Falls On Bike: afterward, Secret Service agents wrestled the bike to the ground. This was an old SNL Weekend Update line used every time President Gerald Ford fell or bumped into something, or had a gun waved in his direction, which was often.

A Toast to Two Great Ones
Here are some websites I found when writing my lastest column, which proves when it comes to toast obsession, I'm not in this league...No beer!? This guy should have known nothing good would come of it.... Wham, Bam, in the Slam. George Michael has let himself go go ...Sorry Paris and Nicky, one of the Spice Girls already snagged Soccer's Himbo. At least he has a career lined up after soccer that doesn't require a lot of math. Vince Young better be able to bend in like Beckham...If she were my grandmother and told me to sit still, I would listen....Guys planning on visiting Columbia, keep your hands to yourselves...Olympic closing ceremonies: Barrel of fun. After the successful games, time to clean up...Sadly, we say good-bye to Barney Fife and the Night Stalker. RIP Don Knotts and Darren McGavin. Here A Christmas Story meets The Night Stalker. I think I know what horrible creature is in the box.

Urgent Bird Flu Alert
Stay far, far away from this guy.

Manny, Where the Bloody Hell Are You?
Scientists now believe beavers existed alongside dinosaurs. Here is an artist rendering of this amazing creature based on fossil evidence. Of course 164 million years ago, dinosaurs didn't have as many uses for beavers as we do today...When Celebrities Attack. Just don't feed them....The sweaty cotton sock industry won't like this report...I think they spotted Manny, oh, my mistake, it's only a Mini Cooper...Answer to all Australians: I'm the bloody hell over here...It's good to know American Idol isn't the only place to find delusional people...Big deal, talk to me when you can actually board the plane online. Think a few airsickness bags were used here? Be sure when flying to always stow your carry-on dog securely.

Clash of the Titans
You have to admit, this is more interesting than the Olympics. As for curling, here is a Canandian view. I knew there was something about curling I liked...Bode Up, Our Great Olympic Hope won't let an ankle injury stop him from going for Gold, he'll let his late night drinking do that. What does he think he is, a curler?...I hope these irrate people don't start burning embassies...Oh sh*t or maybe cr*p, unless they are talking about banning po*p...Meanwhile on American Idol, Simon gets critical. It isn't always about the singing...This sounds completely legitimate. Good news on the bird flu front if you come in contact with one of these.

Manny Being Manny
Manny is not at spring training, did they check everywhere ? Apparently he has been excused. If Manny doesn't show March 1st, maybe the team will need more help looking for him....Talk about your alternative fuel...You have a right to be disappointed when you find out it was a roasted chicken...One final thought about the Daytona 500 last weekend, which always attracts a high class of people: Let me get this straight. Precision race cars drive around for a gawd awful number of hours in one general direction, except for when a car spins out of control and goes backwards for a while, all in anticipation of the final, exciting lunge to the finish, only to have the race suddenly end at lap 199.5 because of a collisiion that occurred in the back of the pack which couldn't possibly affect the leaders? Watching the Olympics gave me an idea how NASCAR could be improved. Add guns. Why hasn't it been done already? Called BiNASCARlon, after every pit stop, before the driver can leave pit row, he must shoot at targets attached to old, rusty cars left in the racetrack infield. For every missed shot, the driver must add a lap. To make it even more interesting, drivers could be allowed to shoot at the tires of other drivers while the race is in progress. Meanwhile, here's an amazingly realistic video of what it feels like to be behind the wheel during a big race.

Follow the Bouncing Ball
Maybe it's the parents who need their food intake monitored...Soon to be an Olympic sport...Speaking of the Olympics, I have a confession. There is a notable resemblence...Colorado residents: Remain indoors. We know what yellow snow means, brown snow can't be good...Spring training is underway, did anyone notify Manny? Meanwhile, A-Rod is boding about his WBC waffling...Sports viewers everywhere say goodbye to a legend...Want to be driven insane, watch this.

Don't Bode It
In agricultural news, Washington state has a bumper crop...Rufus better be careful. Meanwhile, the search is called off for the Runaway Whippet. Someone should look here...More Celebrity News, But Not Dog Related:: The Kabbaladonna goes under the knife...The forecast for Saturn is stormy. But this guy is confident the New Orleans levees will hold...The Boss doesn't like the World Baseball Classic because of the potential of player injuries. For Red Sox fans, the tournament gives us one last chance to cheer for Johnny Damon before he crosses to the dark side...As for the Olympics, the excitement is mounting. In other Olympic news, to bode might become a new verb meaning, "To choke under pressure, then deny you choked because you really weren't under pressure, because you really don't care if you win, and well, it's all the media's fault anyway." Example: Figure skater Johnny Weir boded his chance at a medal during the long program, blaming it on the bus schedule.. Although, for Bode and Weir, things could have been much worse.

Lock and Load
The local American Idol Stealth contestant made it into the top 24, where we assume she will finally actually appear on the show and demonstrate her talent...The White House reports this morning that Vice President Dick Cheney has continued to not shoot anyone else, although he's been tempted...Here are your Olympic Results: 5 gold, 2 silver, 1 bronze, and a Jolly Rancher....Urgent Dog Show News: Bohem C'est La Vie ran away, clearly distraught over having a stupid name. Here is the latest photo of the runaway whippet...Do we know where the Vice President was in January?...Beware of the Invasion of the Killer Super Toads. This could be much worse than first thought...Luckily, with the prevalence of domestic spying, we have footage of what really went down during Cheney's "hunting" trip (Warning: Rated "Ear Muffs" for naughty words).

Straddle the Gate
OK, let me get this straight, Bode is disqualified for straddling a gate (an illegal act in 52 countries) while Kildow still competed, ruptured spleen and all. Nonetheless, the Olympic drama never wanes...A final, touching Valentine's Day story that proves love isn't only blind, it's as dumb as a tree stump....We kept watching and wondering, but the local American Idol Stealth contestant has been MIA, with absolutely no camera time, but apparently she has made it this far. Tonight, however, 20 more contestants are cut....After last weekend's blizzard in the Northeast, there are encouraging signs of spring....Babies: Smarter than they let on to be. We suspected it all along....This week we are fish sitting a neighbor's goldfish. It's name is Jerry and seems very friendly. For the record, I probably won't attempt this...The White House is reporting that Vice President Dick Cheney has not shot anyone today, as far as you know.

Don't Shoot, Mr. Vice President
More proof that pairs figure skating competition is rigged. Blame it on the French judges when an Olympic gold medalist can't win....That wasn't the only major upset in sports yesterday...Then there's the Winter Olympics with its heart stopping action...Kids, Vice President Cheney's hunting experience has taught all of us a valuable lesson: Before shooting a fellow hunter's face off, make sure you have the proper licenses. Maybe Cheney has something to do with this....Thinking about going grocery shopping? think again. Grocery carts don't harm people, idiots harm people...If only grocery stores enforced their express lane rules as diligently...Bolivia school children may soon reach new heights....And finally, authorities are checking when the last time Cheney visited Canada.

Outlaw Guns and Only Elected Officials Will Have Guns
Guns don't shoot people, Vice Presidents shoot people...We say good-bye to Peter "Jaws" Benchley who made each of us realize something important about ourselves: that things much larger than we are will try to eat us. Here is one of the horrifying classic scenes from the movie, Jaws. Have your chum bucket ready. (I apologize for that last photo, it is really gross, but I couldn't help myself.) By the way, Peter Benchley was the grandson of one of my favorite humorists, Robert Benchley....Olympic Update: Shaun "The Flying 'Carrot Top" Tomato" White wins the gold. Announcer Quote: "He snaps off the lip, grabs his nose."...Guys, whatever you do, don't read this article...Thank goodness these aren't larger than us...Crime Stoppers: Be on the look out for well dressed thieves...Here in New England, we had a little bit of snow yesterday. But we're pretty much dug out now...Guys, in the market for a new car?..Could this be the next Olympic sport? No.

Let the Games Begin
Opening day of the Winter Olympics and something’s missing: the middle of the medals. Be on the lookout for the Flying Tomato. Hmmm, when did Carrot Top become an Olympic Snowboarder? With the Winter Olympics starting, a lot of people are hitting the gym. Remember it's all fun an games until someone gets poked in his "Olympic Village." (Guys, trust me, don't watch this)....More Dumb Dog News. Now they are disrupting air travel...Whoever said newspapers are obsolete, never tried doing this with the Internet...Crime wave thwarted...It's always excited when big trades are made in sports. Relive one of the most exciting moments in Olympic history: Do you believe in miracles? Do you believe that guys are as dumb as dogs?...I don't know how Barbie is going to feel, but Mattel just introduced Brokeback Ken.. Ken has had identity issues for years.

The Fur is Flying
Court Update: If you ever face trial in Mumbai, keep your footware on....A shaky take off, but hopefully the 40 in-flight movies will help take his mind off it...Dogs: they're just people with fur. Really dumb people...Speaking of fur, is a major American icon in serious trouble....On the other hand, some people aren't as smart as dogs...Then you have these people...But sometimes a dog and its owner are on the same level...Here's the latest high tech crime fighting device. With luck it will end sensational car chases such as this and this...No surprise they also have a dog (note, the dog is the one in the middle).

America's Youth: Our Future
You know it's only a matter of time before there's Celebrity Chessboxing with the Stars....Kids, we feel your pain--NOT. Heck, when we were your age we had to do our homework while walking uphill seven miles in a snowstorm both ways...Of course, back then the adult world hadn't gone completely insane...Olympic Update: Other animals can compete, too....Investment tip: Check your chicken coops...When this couple is asked if they are worried about the bird flu, they scoff heartily....She scoffs heartily, also...If these kids get chased away they can point out that, technically, they're not skateboarding...And God willing, one day this young child will become a preacher.

Off Season Blues
Sure, it's off season for the Red Sox, and the Patriots didn't reach their ultimate goal, but tonight New England can cheer up because we have the Boston Auditions of American Idol. Spending $345 just to be insulted by Simon, Paula and Randy: Pointless...Thing is, they'll probably lose his luggage...Museum News Update: if you break priceless artifacts, expect to be asked to stay away. Do you suppose this was the guy, or maybe it was this guy?...Motorist Alert: watch out for frozen squirrels...If this doesn't increase your race time, nothing will...Surprise outcome of the year so far. Maybe this will cheer him up...The Winter Olympics are coming soon, when athletes get their one chance at Olympic greatness.

Can't Get No Metamucil
Super Bowl XL is history, and we congratulate the winner, the Pittsburgh Steelers, and their fans. The night was filled with action, excitement and drama, and in between that a game was played. As always, some of the commercials were controversial, while others resorted to gimmicks. But in the end we were all reminded that The Rolling Stones have addictions that are older than the Super Bowl....Speaking of live, or in the Rolling Stones case pseudo-alive, performances, the UK gets tough....Can I get a ruling on this drop?...One nation under Oprah and Bono...And finally, this is simply cool.

Damon Lee Roth: Two Guys, One Spirit, a Combined IQ That Wouldn't Add Up to a Minor Fever.
Really? It couldn't have been this bad.

PS: This interview might have been the first time Johnny Damon felt like the smart guy in a one-on-one conversation.

He's Everywhere, As If There's More Than Just One of Him
From Red Sox Nation to all Yankees fans, as well as anyone else who owns a TV, has Internet access, listens to the radio, or receives the newspaper: Did new, clean cut Yankee Johnny Damon talk this much when he was with the Red Sox? If so, then we sincerely apologize. We had no idea....You've heard of chocolate covered ants? Hershey's might be thinking along those lines...I can't remember what I was doing at 15, other than being engaged in a death struggle with acne, but it certainly wasn't this...There is something similar in the adult world, it's called unemployment...Guys, if you know what's good for you, don't read this....You have your speeders, then you have your advanced police driver speeders...Does it seem crowded in here?

Groundhog for a Day
It's Groundhog Day, beware...Yesterday, Dave Barry posted a link on his blog to his famous Tupperware Blues song, featuring the late, great Warren Zevon on guitar. I had never heard the song until yesterday, although I've read about it before. After listening to it, I was impressed. Not to overstate anything, but had I heard this song back in the late 1980s, when I was still a young adult trying to find my way, I honestly believe that today my life would not be all that much different. Meanwhile, my son's new guitar keeps taunting me from the corner, saying, "You can't play me, you can't play me. Hee, hee."...The Tupperware Blues song is even on a CD...SHOCKING HERNIA NEWS: Patriots Nation will pray for Brady's abdominal wall....Speaking of football, here is the intro to the Super Bowl coverage XXX years ago...Ah, youth! Apparently they're bored...Great, now my car's dashboard is trying to kill me.

Groundhog Prediction
The results of an overnight CNN/Gallup Poll of groundhogs who say they are "likely" or "very likely" to look for their shadow tomorrow morning puts Six More Weeks of Winter at 29%, An Early Spring at 26%, and Pennsylvanians are Wacked at 45%.

Can We Open a Window?
Is that fire and brimstone I'm smelling, or did somebody serve the preacher beans? Thanks to Scott M. for clueing me in on this worldwide web phenomenon. As Scott puts it: what better use of high speed Internet access than to send large video files of a man farting?...Speaking of large amounts of released gas, there was the State of the Union Address last night....I didn't have a chance last night to post another URGENT WORLD A-ROD INDECISIVE BASEBALL CLASSIC NEWS REPORT: But it now seems that Pedro is upset with him. A-Rod just knew if he made an actual decision, something bad would happen....The Moose Winter X-Games are underway...Speaking of winter sporting events, the Super Bowl is coming up in Detroit and preparations are underway. Meanwhile the sportswriters covering the event are once again ready to prove that there is no such a thing as a stupid question, there are many stupid questions. And then there is this inside look at a bunch of people's shoes (and Dan Patrick) at the Super Bowl Media Day.