Harry Potter Warning

What sort of filth are our children reading? This kind.

Good News

Pizza eating saves lives.

Type Face Fighting

Couldn't we just learn to get along.

How Obscene Can It Be?

Especially if the porn film puts jurors to sleep.

Descriptive Quote of the Week:

"(It) smelled like a very large, very dead possum." said Elliott Norman, about the flowering plant he has been raising for 11 years.

Religion Update

And McNuggets must be the Devil's plaything.

I'm Embarrassed for Today's Professional Criminal...

When I hear stories such as this one.

Shameless Self Promotion

Due to some technical, Internet-related problems that I don't even pretend to understand, in my column where I wrote, 'Little House on the Prairie,' the line appeared in the MetroWest Daily News website version as 'Little Ho the Prairie.' We are sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused.

Teen Runs Around Nude at Buckingham Palace Party

And he isn't a member of the royal family.

I'm (Burp) Dieting

Japan conducting important beer-related research.

Wedding Update II

The space wedding might be on, afterall.

What Americans Fight For

The chance to have a monkey win a billion dollars for us.

When Wild Animals Attack...

This guy sits on them.

Wedding Update

Now the space wedding is off.

Big Wedding Plans

After they're married, they plan to live at her parent's orbiting space station.

Comforting Words for the Bereaved:

"The Lord vomited people like Ben out of his mouth to hell."

Sounds Familiar

The same thing happened to a family I know.

America's Youth

Fat and happy.

BLEEP

What the BLEEP is this BLEEPING study trying to BLEEPING say?

Canada Update

The publishers of Fodor's figured if no one noticed it missing, they would keep Prince Edward Island and the Yukon Territory for themselves.

Nerd Porn

Whatever spins your hard drive.

Marital Discord

Maybe he could have held off breathing until the Price is Right was over?

Important Scientific Breakthrough

Ever wonder what your cat's trying to tell you? Wonder no longer!

Just Don't Roll Over

If you must sleep on the roof, for chrissake, be careful.

Eeewww

Guys, trust me, you won't want to read this.

Underqualified

Job seekers in Australia, take note.

Shameless Self Promotion

Why won't you read this? Are you Canadian or something?

"Operation Super Bowl"

Toiletgate in New York

Today's Note of Wisdom

And to think we've been sitting on the answer the whole time.

(Found Magazine, from which this note comes from, is a collection of lost notes, lists and what-nots that contributors found blowing around in fields, along fences, etc.)

Another Great Achievement for an American

Right after his record breaking feat, he attempted the longest, continuous ralph.

Fun Loving Guy in Austria

But after his practical joke bites you on the shoulder several times, you get kind of tired of him.

Succinct Quote of the Day

Concerning a new people mover being tested in Paris: "It's crap," 25-year-old Nouria El-Gouy, an auxiliary nurse who was using it for the first time, told BBC News Online.

Maritime Alert

Lost at sea rubber duckies heading for our shores.

Creepy

It's gets even more creepy near the end, with lines such as: "I have been gifted with the chance to meet so many people...who all share the common bond of being touched by this mystery that is 'Clay Aiken'."

Terror in Australia

Attack of the giant, killer kangaroo a good idea for a movie

Psychology Update

What would having KC and the Sunshine Band say about a person?

McEulogy

We will miss (insert name of deceased), (s)he was a wonderful (pick one: father, mother, son, daughter, uncle, aunt, cousin...)

Dr. Cheech Paging Dr. Chong

California's heated medical debate.

Yes, That McDonald's

Two all beef patties, glass shards, lettuce, cheese and a pickle on a sesame seed bun.

UK Concert Update

The weird thing isn't that so many people had sex during the festival, it was that someone was taking a survey.

Oooo-kay

We might need to cover it with a large pair of thong underwear.

A Glimpse of Life in the Former Soviet Union

Maybe these boys should have skipped the ice cream and chocolate.

Eh?

Antoher reason why we need to close the American-Canadian border.

Shameless Self Promotion

Your mother always said, "Don't talk to strangers, and don't read this."

Journalistic Integrity, Part II

While trying to learn more about the incident mentioned below, I discovered that the Roswell Daily Record has high journalistic standards in the form of an entire sideline business of UFO merchandise. (Click on UFO Items in left-hand column.)

Journalistic Integrity

Apparently, they take their golf coverage very seriously in Roswell, NM.

Zoo-lectible

Note to self: Do not attend barbecues held by zoo keepers.

Size Matters

What, exactly, goes on in Thailand?

Swan Trouble in New England

Maybe those people eating the Queen's swans should be asked to come here.

Super Gov!

First he saved the Olympics, now the Massachusetts governor is saving people.

Disturbing Trend

Gregory Peck, Katharine Hepburn, Buddy Hackett, Herbie Mann, Barry White and now Buddy Ebsen all passing away recently. What's going on?

Even Sadder News

Unlce Jed has gone to the Beverly Hills mansion in the sky.

Bigger Trouble in Bangladesh

The Monkeys are mad.

Trouble in the UK

Someone's eating the Queen's swans.

Sad News

The guy who invented Cool Whip died.

Do They Play "Hail to the Chief"?

And I will not make any jokes about being a "one-termer."

Convention Update

Shriners battle with protestors dressed as clowns in Minneapolis.

Warning

The Internet has been under attack by geeks.

Urgent Shameless Self Promotion Update!

I just received an email from helpful reader Ann, telling me she found my column online from a link posted on a website called Lucianne.com. I am not sure what kind a website Lucianne.com is, but it might have something to do with Republicans. Or it might not. I can't be sure. Anyway, here you'll find my article posted, along with a "thread" and "replies" and other highly technical computer stuff. Isn't this whole Internet thing zany?

Shameless Self Promotion

The Federal Government doesn't want you to read this!

And You Thought You Had Problems

At least you're not dead and in need of a job.

Oh Boy!

In parts of Columbia you get land for having a vasectomy. And in case you are worried that your "thing will shrivel and die," according to Jose, 28, who had the operation two weeks ago, "his penis is fine."

Junk Food Alert

It's worth repeating: stock up on Twinkies while you still can.