Thanks
Every chance I had recently I asked readers to rate my submission in the Gather.com First Chapters contest. The contest, run in conjunction with Touchstone/Simon & Schuster, will award a publishing contract to the winner. My two-week comment period ended last night, and Round One ends today. The results will appear next week when the field of 2,500 is cut to 20. I'll keep everyone informed. Thanks again to those who rated and commented on my story, Simon Sez, Help! (More on the book can be found here.) I'll take away from this many good ideas and suggestions. Overall, the book was well received. I appreciate everyone who took the time out of their day to help out. Thanks again for the thousand-millionth time. (Really, I mean it, thanks.)

************
With all the stories about trying to get pandas to mate and gorillas to mate in captivity, let me just state what everyone else has been thinking: Zookeepers are the pimps to the animal world.

************
Hey, I thought at Christmas there was a Lego shortage. Now we know why.

************
I love the double play combination of Yulieski to Yolexis to Yuslan.

************
It says that light traveled through solid metal, but the solid metal had holes in it. Technically, it's not solid then, right? Still, it seems important.

************
Now they are pimping for rhinos.

************
If Paris Hilton is sent to jail, does her dog get to go with her?

************
I just have one question for residents of Chattanooga, Tenn.: What the hell goes on there?

************
This would be totally justified if their neighbor was Paris Hilton.

************
This makes perfect sense, since Minnesota's official state bodily fluid discharge is vomit.

************
Update on the rash of people falling off cruise ships: It's harder than you think.

"You'll Never Read Again"
Someday you will remember where you were the day you learned that The Onion had started a News Network. Until that day, keep the slip of paper with your address written on it in your pocket just in case you wander off again.

************
A hero, or was the dog just asking to go outside?

************
Who invited these guys? But experts believe they found something that will drive away the baboons.

************
Avast! It would take more than a simple fall off the side of a cruise ship to keep this modern day Jack Sparrow from continuing his voyage.

************
I'm just guessing, but once this is built I don't think anyone plans to challenge their record.

************
Would you like paper or, um, plast...oh the hell with it, carry your damn groceries home in your arms.

************
Why plow? If I was them, I'd wait for it to melt. Now for your listening pleasure, a clip of Tumbling Tumbleweeds.

************
Yes, but did any of them know the Heimlich Maneuver?

************
JetBlue is already planning on having a fleet of spaceships based here that never leave the earth.

************
To recap, instead of having a panda that won't mate, they now have a panda that won't mate but loves watching porn. I don't want to worry anyone, but I think this guy likes the panda porn, too.

************
Understatement of the Year: “Would you really want them back?” he asked. “I would say not.”

ANS Free Zone Pledge Continues
If you came here looking for the results of Anna Nicole Smith's latest autopsy report to be released today, then you must have lime Jell-O for brains. By now it should be obvious to everyone that we are not the source of anything newsworthy here at PfB. And we certainly are not the source for Anna Nicole Smith stories because of our longstanding vow to be the one place on the entire Internet that isn't intently following her death as it continues to unfold.

************
With the Final Four now set for next weekend, how did your brackets do?

************
I doubt it had anything to do with alcohol.

************
With all the talk about March Madness basketball, we should remember that college hockey's Frozen Four is also taking place.

************
In case you were wondering who won the Reality TV contest to play Danny in the Broadway remake of Grease, it was a shocker. He also unexpectedly showed up on SNL the other night.

************
If a stranger offers you some Texas BBQ, you might want to pass.

************
We all heard of yellow journalism before, but is the world ready for brown?

************
And after everyone finishes eating, they are going to build a barn.

************
Death Cap and Destroying Angel, the names for Hard Metal Bands or mushrooms?


Links to Stuff Mentioned in This Week's Column:
Here is the article on the Rotten Sneaker Contest. I previously linked to it on PfB when I first got a whiff (get it?) of the story. The Odor-Eaters press release has pictures now. I found a photo of the NASA guy holding one of the sneakers. It appears that Odor-Eaters gave him a hat and lab coat to wear. Cool. For the record, now that I know free stuff is involved, if Odor-Eaters wanted me to be a judge, I'd definitely do it. And I would conduct myself professionally and with the utmost decorum. If you want to get to the Great Salt Lake, this map will help. Just be careful when you visit that you aren't impaled by the Great Straight Pin. Have you ever wondered why brine shrimp are important? Neither have I. Brine shrimp are actually a type of animal most parents are familiar with. Here is the link the The HUMOR Project, which makes laughing sound too much like work. Apparently, a lot of jumping into blue skies is involved.

SELF-PROMOTION WARNING NEVER ENDS, SIMILAR TO ANNA NICOLE SMITH'S DEATH:
The Last Week That You Can Help Me To Become A Published Novelist!
The website, Gather.com, is conducting a contest called First Chapters with Touchstone/Simon & Schuster to find and publish a new author. By reading my submission, which is the first chapter of my book, and giving it a fair (i.e: high) rating, I might make it past the first round of 2,500 entries that is being whittled down to 20. You will need to sign up as a member of Gather.com to vote, but it is free and doesn’t hurt or cause lightheadedness or anything.

The story I submitted is called Simon Sez, Help! Learn more about the book here. It is a Young Adult novel about a boy and a ghost and their friendship, sort of like Old Yeller, but with less barking. There is also a really mean school headmaster and a lot of really cool stuff that happens in subsequent chapters that will never be read by millions of children unless the book advances. You don’t want that on your conscience, do you? By the way, my sons Kevin and Chris have read the entire manuscript and both gave the book a completely unbiased two thumbs up. This first phase of the contest ends March 30th, so don’t wait. This is the link that brings you right to my entry. Thanks.

More Pap Means Less Palpitations
The effect on the team will be like being stuck on a Sudoku puzzle then realizing that a nine fits in this square here and suddenly the rest of the puzzle falls into place. Jonathan Papelbon is back as the closer for the Red Sox, and all the other relievers can breath a sigh of relief that they won't have to. As for us fans, all is rainbows and unicorns again in Red Sox Nation. The feeling right now in the last week of spring training is similar to being a kid two days before Christmas, when anything is still possible. The team is definitely a KATOP (Kick-Ass Team on Paper). Now they just need 96 plus regular season wins and 11 post season wins to prove it. By the way, Patriots fans should be feeling all rainbows and unicorns right through Labor Day since with all the Pats moves they are a major KATOP also. It should be a good summer.

************
We have to assume UFOs are not real, otherwise France would have surrendered to the aliens decades ago.

************
How's the March Madness Brackets going? Here's Dwight from The Office checking his.

************
I guess this is better than watching Wheel of Fortune.

************
There is hope for me.

************
All I'm saying is that I hope he isn't thinking about supermodels when he has his arms around a goat.

************
But the dog was turned away when they discovered it didn't have medical insurance.

***********
Didn't the same thing happen on an episode of Three's Company?

************
This story is about bread and elephants or something, but the important point is that the guy's name in Frank Formica. Like the counter tops. And to think, I could have been Lee Linoleum.

************
ONCE AGAIN, A SELF-PROMOTION WARNING:
You Can Help Me To Become A Published Novelist!
The website, Gather.com, is conducting a contest called First Chapters with Touchstone/Simon & Schuster to find and publish a new author. By reading my submission, which is the first chapter of my book, and giving it a fair (i.e: high) rating, I might make it past the first round of 2,500 entries that is being whittled down to 20. You will need to sign up as a member of Gather.com to vote, but it is free and doesn’t hurt or cause lightheadedness or anything.

The story I submitted is called Simon Sez, Help! Learn more about the book here. It is a Young Adult novel about a boy and a ghost and their friendship, sort of like Old Yeller, but with less barking. There is also a really mean school headmaster and a lot of really cool stuff that happens in subsequent chapters that will never be read by millions of children unless the book advances. You don’t want that on your conscience, do you? By the way, my sons Kevin and Chris have read the entire manuscript and both gave the book a completely unbiased two thumbs up. This first phase of the contest ends March 30th, so don’t wait. This is the link that brings you right to my entry. Thanks.

High and Lo Mein

For the second time in 15 years the Center for Science in the Public Interest, a group dedicated to not liking anything, has decided that eating Chinese food is extremely bad for us. What they fail to explain is how come there are more than one billion Chinese people living. The same group had a beef about pizza too, so I am not happy with them at all.

************
It seems that Alaska is now informationless.

************
You think someone his age would know better.

************
Her parents must be so proud.

************
We see by this video of NASA running test for the new spaceship Orion that the space agency runs like most other businesses: First drop something then have three or four guys stand around looking at it. Warning: You might have to first watch a commercial. The one I saw informed me that plastics are everywhere and that they are made by chemicals. Gosh!

************
Opera people are so wimpy they don't even want underwear thrown on stage while they perform.

************
Red Sox fans don't like this: history shows that teams improve when A-Rod leaves. Maybe his Yankee teammates would chip in together for a going away present.

************
Let me guess, it smelled like asparagus.

************
It's the same meal Stewart had in prison.

************
Napa, California schools: Keeping the world safe from Winnie-the-Pooh and Tigger, too.

************
SELF-PROMOTION WARNING:
You Can Help Me To Become A Published Novelist!
The website, Gather.com, is conducting a contest called First Chapters with Touchstone/Simon & Schuster to find and publish a new author. By reading my submission, which is the first chapter of my book, and giving it a fair (i.e: high) rating, I might make it past the first round of 2,500 entries that is being whittled down to 20. You will need to sign up as a member of Gather.com to vote, but it is free and doesn’t hurt or cause lightheadedness or anything.

The story I submitted is called Simon Sez, Help! Learn more about the book here. It is a Young Adult novel about a boy and a ghost and their friendship, sort of like Old Yeller, but with less barking. There is also a really mean school headmaster and a lot of really cool stuff that happens in subsequent chapters that will never be read by millions of children unless the book advances. You don’t want that on your conscience, do you? By the way, my sons Kevin and Chris have read the entire manuscript and both gave the book a completely unbiased two thumbs up. This first phase of the contest ends March 30th, so don’t wait. This is the link that brings you right to my entry. Thanks.

SELF-PROMOTION WARNING:
You Can Help Me To Become A Published Novelist!
The website, Gather.com, is conducting a contest called First Chapters with Touchstone/Simon & Schuster to find and publish a new author. By reading my submission, which is the first chapter of my book, and giving it a fair (i.e: high) rating, I might make it past the first round of 2,500 entries that is being whittled down to 20. You will need to sign up as a member of Gather.com to vote, but it is free and doesn’t hurt or cause lightheadedness or anything. The story I submitted is called Simon Sez, Help! It is a Young Adult novel about a boy and a ghost and their friendship, sort of like Old Yeller, but with less barking. There is also a really mean school headmaster and a lot of really cool stuff that happens in subsequent chapters that will never be read by millions of children unless the book advances. You don’t want that on your conscience, do you? By the way, my sons Kevin and Chris have read the entire manuscript and both gave the book a completely unbiased two thumbs up. This first phase of the contest ends March 30th, so don’t wait. This is the link that brings you right to my entry. Thanks.

************
JetBlue figures a fleet of these would look mighty impressive not flying anywhere.

************
Sir, is that a banana in your pocket or are you a terrorist?

************
How are your March Madness brackets shaping up after the first weekend?

************
You're not going to get this type of service on JetBlue.

************
I refuse to resort to immature jokes using the phrase "highest court in the land." At PfB we have our standards, as few of them as there are.

************
Free land in Alaska sounded like a good idea until I read that it started as a school project (see above item).

************
He probably simply forgot to pay, or blacked out, or something.

************
Links to Stuff Mentioned in This Week's Column:
A typical Ten-Speed Bike. This is one step earlier in the evolution of the bike. Here is the evolution of man. And the evolution of the stick man. The similarities between this and this may not at first be apparent, but they are felt. There's nothing like a good biker movie. Bike racing is not as easy as it looks. Many human rights groups, such as Amnesty International, are examining possible voting irregularities.

Run Away, Run Away!
Not to unduly panic anyone, but if you live in the Northeast you have probably been glued to the television weather reports and already are aware that in all likelihood none of us will survive the Hell Fury March Storm of Ultimate Death that is now upon us. The weather people couldn't be happier. They have been waiting all winter for The Big One. Now, excuse me while I hide under my desk.

************
Any other advice for the little ones?

************
TRAVEL HINT: Those of you who have purchased tickets to fly on JetBlue sometime in the future, plan on driving.

************
It's sad when popular celebrities fall on hard times. First Gary Coleman became a mall security guard, now R2D2 is collecting the mail.

************
Like Paris Hilton, they just refuse to go away and stay away.

************
School lunches haven't changed much since I was a kid.

************
Is it me, or is this just wrong?

************
Wow, everyone is offering an Early Bird Special.

************
OK What?

************
This incident caused JetBlue to cancel all its flights to Louisiana.

Don't Like the Weather? Just Wait a Minute, and the Weather People Will Drive You Insane
Here is what life in New England is like: Today may reach 70 degrees, and they expect snowfall (described as "plowable") for Friday and Saturday. By "they" I mean the local TV weather forecasters who must stay up nights thinking up new ways to convince us that this time they are right about the Big Storm coming. Despite my skepticism, I will be hanging on every word tonight while watching the weather segment. Really, it's like an illness.

************
And to think, I use to complain when telemarketers called all the time.

************
Did you fill out your March Madness brackets yet?

************
In Florida, No Child Left Behind takes on a new meaning.

************
Happy Pi Day, you zany knuckleheads.

************
If you are banned from your town's library, you need to ask yourself one question: "When, exactly, did my life start spinning out of control?"

************
Parents disciplined kids a lot differently when I was young, he said with a twitch.

************
If only I had a dollar every time a DUI defendant claimed the old A-Unicorn-Was-Driving defense, I would have at least one of these.

************
Running a political campaign by having a website translation in Klingon makes perfectly good sense if you live in Finland, I guess.

************
Read the whole article and you'll probably wonder, as I did, why Travelodge isn't offering customers a full-sized Angelinalow or Depplow to cuddle with. This could be the reason why: Yikes! and Yikes again!

Is There Anyone Out There?
Come in, come in. Trying to contact any survivors of the 311Y2K07 virus. Did anyone else make it? Come in, please. If you get this message, you need to know that your clock is off by one hour. I repeat, the time is one hour later than your clock says. This concludes our post-apocalyptic DST message of the day.

************
More importantly, what is Scientology's stance on suspenders?

Later in the same gossip column we are glad to learn that Tom Brady is so far limiting his illegitimate children to one at a time.

************
Gee, I wish someone had told me this before I booked my trip. Hold on, what about this?

************
If you must mention them at all, refer to them as those big, white, fluffy arctic dogs.

************
Be prepared for a flurry of local television news reports titled Killer Kittens and Fatal Felines.

************
Don't forget to wish the nerds in your life Happy Pi Day this Wednesday.

************
What if they ask an aardvark to live peacefully with them?

************
The silverware bandits are on the loose.

************
Links to Stuff from This Week's Column:
Hey Joe, how you doin'? If you missed them, here are the winning Mega Millions numbers. Someone in New Jersey is $195 million poorer than they need be. Really, wouldn't it be more fun to pay your bills with checks this size? One word: Tahiti. Here are some typical things found growing in an office refrigerator. Season...almost...here.

Daylight Satan Time
In all likelihood this weekend the evil 311Y2K07 virus is going to cause civilization as we know it to end. Or, be an hour late. Don't say I didn't warn you, although I never even considered the devastating affects on BlackBerries and Smart Phones. Oh my!

************
What sort of deviant panda-related behavior goes on in China?

************
Polar Bears have their own mating issues.

************
Here's this year's Most Obvious Scientific Conclusion Reached in a Scientific Study Award.

Number One Most Obvious Conclusion of the Year Quote: When parents were surveyed about their own sleep habits and daytime alertness, it turned out that those whose children had more than one sleep problem tended to suffer more daytime sleepiness than other parents.

************
The judge from the Anna Nicole Smith trial should step in. (We regret violating PfB's strict ANS Free Zone pledge, even if only as a humorous reference to an unrelated story. Again, we are sorry.)

************
"Class, your substitute teacher today is Mrs. Grumpy Lady. "

The alternative might be a real witch.

************
Let's just hope this couple didn't have kids.

************
Yeah, we'll get ritgh on taht.

And The Winner Is...
If you are reading this today, I am going to assume you are among the two billion humans who played but didn't win last night's MegaMillions lottery. (Amazingly, the numbers were 1-2-3-4-5 and the Mega Ball 6. If you had some other random number combination, oh let's say, 16- 22-29-39-42 and Mega Ball 20, then don't bother contacting anyone or checking the newspaper and immediately mail the ticket to me unsigned. I am an avid paper recycler. ) If I had won, beside doing all the usual stuff like donating to worthy causes, making sure family members are taken care of along with the next four generations of my offspring, I would have tried to buy a small share of the Boston Red Sox, just so I could get good seats, the occasional VIP treatment at Fenway, and receive the generous ten percent owner discount at the concession stands. Just dreamin', I guess.

************
Oh great, it's the Gene Simmons of the lizard world.

************
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It's the attack of the Carnivore Calf. Terror has a new sound: Moo.

It makes this upcoming movie seem all the more prophetic.

************
The world of flat, professionally drawn people will mourn today. Surprisingly, Captain America wasn't as imposing a figure in 3-D.

************
Why were we never informed that the earth has a hole in it?

************
Just two zany love birds getting hitched.

************
If you think this is bad (and it is), wait until he asks to make a withdrawal.

************
When glamping, do you go to the bathroom in a glatrine? (Which probably reminds some people of a ATM kiosk.)

************
Having once been a boy scout during an entire summer including a week at Boy Scout Internment Camp, I have to say I am totally amazed this doesn't happen more often.

American Pie in the Face
I can't believe it has been 25 years. To remember how good John Belushi was, see the Animal House clip linked below. On a personal note, I heard the news of his death while in, of all places, Tombstone, Arizona.

************
This sort of charge doesn't look good on your permanent record.

************
Warning: ostriches should avoid Taiwan.

************
Houston, we have a problem.

************
Didn't a similar thing happen in an episode of The Brady Bunch?

************
The Florida election officials will be right over to straighten them out.

************
When it absolutely, positively has to get there.

************
Great, now television show ideas are coming from insurance companies.


Links to Stuff Mentioned in this Week's Column:
As a teenager, being a huge fan of Isaac Asimov didn't make me a nerd, did it? You didn't answer right away. I know when I've been insulted... If you missed it, here's the Me Generation article on MSNBC. Speaking of silly putty, I found a site called Silly Putty U, obviously where many narcissistic college students reside. This is someone who really gets into silly putty. Make sure to check out the photo showing a silly putty imprint of an entire newspaper page. One thing that made the 80's Me Generation so great was the music. Of course, the most important aspect of college life never changes (Warning: Ear Muffs for bad words). One reason why YouTube is needed in society: Because for all the times I watched Animal House, I missed this response about not being allowed in the homecoming parade: "Some stupid zombies get to ride a pile of Kleenex down the street, rah, rah."

Make it Go Away
I am glad to see the Associated Press is following my ANS Free Zone example by trying their own PH Free Zone. Now if only the news media had the courage to declare a BS Free Zone. What? You were expecting a link to Britney Spears sporting her new bald look?

Meanwhile, PfB has been able to confirm that some people have no lives. We will stay on top of this breaking story where ever it takes us.

By the way, if you were one of the millions of Americans like myself who tuned in to the new Fox TV game show, So You Want to Be Smarter than a Fifth Grader, Good Luck You Loser you are officially owed that time back from the network. Unfortunately, it will be added on at the end of your life.


************
Dog Day Afternoon: Crime in LA is out of control. Meanwhile, in Boston officials get tough.

************
Now Cheney is warning the Swiss not to pull out of Liechtenstein too soon.

************
This is great, but what they need is a drug to stop dogs from peeing every time they get excited. Here is what all the fashionable and incontinent dogs will be wearing this season. In a related story, if you are taking a test in Germany, you might want to put on a pair of astronaut diapers. (As if we needed another reason to want to visit London.)

************
The long national nightmare is finally over.

************
Maybe after he serves his time, he is considering a career change to a loan shark.