Out of this World
What would you bet that Starbucks is already planning to open a new location here? Odds makers have reacted quickly also. Laugh now, but when the space aliens invade Earth, you will wish you had a copy of their book. This just in, I fear that the invasion may already have started. We can't be too sure they aren't among us already.

************
Sounds like something my roommate in college and I found growing in the bathroom of our apartment once.

************
If there was ever a rock group that could unite everyone in the cause against global warming, then this is not that group. But they are funnier than the group that could.

************
Needless to say, a genius grant is not in this child's future.

************
This is the sort of person who, as a child, frequently got his head stuck in a toilet seat.

************
Say what you will about the American education system, but at least our teachers don't sprinkle cow urine on their students, unless it can be shown to improve test scores.

************
Granted, the Antwerp Zoo has been around for 164 years, but it seems to be missing the general concept of what a zoo is all about.

************
In a surprising win, the Wangs have it.

OMG!
All I can say is WOW! Also, I happened to call the first three homers ("Manny just needs to hit one out," "Drew could go back to back, that would be cool," and "Why not back to back to back?") I said these things to my wife but didn't have the guts to think they could possibly hit four consecutive home runs. This took ten pitches and, according to the running time of this YouTube clip from the ESPN game coverage, only 6 minutes elapsed. Again, WOW!

************
Just need someone you can talk to? Well then, call this guy.

************
Funny thing is, I thought he already was dead. But you know, for a former Soviet he could sure bust a move. Couldn't that video be of any body's drunk uncle at, say, a family wedding?

************
Maybe the attacking jumping sturgeon was a personal watercraft non-enthusiast.

************


Links to Stuff Mentioned in This Week's Column
This is what a typical transistor radio looked like, but mine was green and received only an AM signal. And for those who never seen it before, this is a sample of what the Donny & Marie Show was like. As for Alone Again, Naturally artist, Gilbert O'Sullivan, what can we say except, nice hair, dude. How can someone with hair like that write songs this heart wrenching? Speaking of sad songs, this Sims version of Mandy is so awful on so many levels, it is actually entertaining, but in a too awful not to keep watching sort of way. If you watch the whole thing, I have to ask, does it look to you as if he buried Mandy in the backyard? At least Donny Osmond did a nice job with a Billy Preston tune.

I Can Hear the Doppler Radars Buzzing
Did I peg it our what? My column about Opening Day last week predicted there would be a major freak spring snow storm coming, and I was correct. Twice it seems, if we get hit tomorrow as the TV weather sheep all predict. BAAA-humbug. Meanwhile, in baseball news, Dice-K faces Ichiro Suzuki in what would have been declared a national holiday in Japan except over there it will be taking place in the middle of the night tomorrow, or maybe yesterday, we can't be too sure which.

************
Continuing to keep this an ANS Free Zone, we will only mention that the DNA results are in and Anna Nicole Smith's baby's father was not a) a space alien, b) God, c) someone from the future or d) Sanjaya. Therefore this is not - CNN are you listening - a news story.

***********
In celebrity wedding news, Elizabeth Hurley is in big trouble. Quote of Note: "They sat on a sofa and they were supposed to sit on the floor."

************
Guys who are dating, beware.

************
Granted, no one looks good when being arrested, but this is approaching Nick Nolte bad. What exactly happens to hair during booking? At least Rip Torn is not a firefighter (I know, previously posted).

************
Hint for those who collect things and it gets out of hand: Put it all in a building, call it a museum and charge admission.

************
Is that a Steinway in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?

************
Then he called himself to see if he could make the ticket "disappear."

Easter Hangover
Today everyone is suffering chocolate and jelly bean withdrawals. So maybe that is why I can't figure out what sport this article is talking about, but apparently the winner now enters Round 13, making it nearly as long as the NBA playoffs. Quote of Note: It was hard to pick the Sharks' best, with captain Brett Kimmorley kicking and directing traffic expertly behind a forward pack led by a gritty backrower Greg Bird and props Luke Douglas and Phil Leuluai.

************
It's official, the Internet has become a giant yard sale.

************
If you're traveling along the Interstate in Oklahoma, Texas or New Mexico and you see a taxi driver with his head out the window yelling at jackrabbits and honking his horn at lizards, that would be these people.

************
Hunting-gate: Romney admits he's no Cheney, but he's shot at his share of lawyers.

************
If it means cancelled flights, JetBlue would like to interview the pilot.

************
Look out, Tiger.

************
The oldest profession goes online.

************
Don't worry, I'll be too busy having a heart attack.

************
Coke: It's the Real Thing. Honest to God.

Links to Stuff Mentioned in This Week's Column:
Here is the Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader website. You decide, was host Jeff Foxworthy and Hall of Fame pitcher Dennis Eckersley separated at birth? Or at least, separated in 1977? (Scroll down for some disturbing, Ron Burgundy-type photos from the 70s.) Einstein did his best work in the fifth grade, then coasted on his early success the rest of his life. It is hard to understand why adults don't understand basic scientific concepts when the Internet provides a wealth of factual information, such as this totally-drawn-to-scale rendering of the solar system. Perhaps if we had been taught the metric system using a fun cartoon character shaped like a graduated cylinder that's wearing a cape, it would have helped.

Soft As Grapes
This morning Kevin wanted jelly on his toast. This has been a problem lately because the jar of Welch's Concord Grape Jelly we have is the plastic kind fitted with their new, "easy-open," special Immovable Lid of Satan. It has gotten progressively harder to open each time, but today it escalated to the level of requiring plumber's tools. I had to get a pipe wrench to budge the lid. I have only one question for the people responsible at Welch's and who in my opinion should be fired immediately: Shouldn't you try these new designs out in real world conditions first? What will I need to use the next time?

************
You snicker now, but if you were trapped in a fire would you care what he wears? On second thought, you might want to stay in the fire once you see the full view.

************
For Easter, it's just me and my peeps hanging out. Ever try them warm?

************
Does this mean Sanjaya would be out of the Boys Happy Voice contest?

************
This isn't funny, but every time I see a headline with his name in it, I think it says Kevorkian and I figure he wants to euthanize Chrysler.

************
Scientists prove that earworms exist. Scroll down for a list of songs that most commonly drive people crazy.

************
Don't mess with old, German women. Quote of Note: "she set a trap, hid in a toilet, and caught the thief red-handed."

************
Romanian men are tough, also. Just don't offer them a pickle.

************
On the positive side, they're fed carrots and sugar lumps after the appointment.

************
The long, um, arm of the law. Quote of Note, which pretty much sums it up: "She was obviously unaware of how thorough our officers are in their searches."

Writing Contest Results Are In! It's Official: I'm a Freakin' Hoser
The Gather.com results for Round One of the First Chapters contest (which in conjunction with Touchstone/Simon & Schuster is looking for a new, unpublished novelist) are in, and I - along with 2, 580 others - didn't make the cut. The twenty remaining contestants and their first two chapters can be found by clicking here. Over the next few weeks I will take a fresh look at my story, consider some of the suggestions and comments posted, do some editing, and go back to sending it out. Chances are that more chapters from my book Simon Sez, Help! will be posted somewhere, either on SimonSezHelp.com, and/or on Gather.com in the coming weeks. I will let everyone know where they can find it once I decide. Thanks again to all who participated.

************
Opening Day for the Red Soagggghhhhhhhhhhhx!

It said I can embed this, but I doubt it.

Update: Cool, it worked.

************
My only question is, where did the monkey get bus fare?

************
Any Major League teams looking for a shortstop? Maybe they need to look up north. (Thanks to Jeff, for sending me this link, eh.)

************
Keith Richards and his dad probably had an unusual relationship to begin with. But he is not the only one.

Breaking News: Now he says he was joking. Of course he was.

************
I think the bonobo apes should name them Brad and Angelina. Of course, the apes can't do any worse than parents when it comes to names. Maybe we should just let apes do all the naming from now on.

************
"Ma'am, I would like to see your driver's license and horse registration, please." She should have taken a Zamboni, instead.

************
Beijing Olympics 2008 Update: A fly bounty.

************
"What do you feel like doing today?" "I duuno, maybe drive a tank?"

Opening Day!
My column today just happened to be about opening day (see the link at the end of PfB). Every baseball fan can dream the same dream today: This could be the year. But whatever the outcome in October, for now it is just great knowing that everyday a game will be on. Knowing that we can hear the crack of a bat, see a double play turned, and experience some riveting competition. Happy Opening Day to you and your family. Now, leave work and head directly to the ball park to watch batting practice.


************
I blame it on the Family Ties curse. Here he is in happier times.

************
"I'll be out of the bathroom when I'm finished downloading."

************
This would never happen on JetBlue, because they would have already cancelled the flight.

************
No, it's perfectly normal for a 12-year-old boy to collect vacuum cleaners, why do you ask?

************
Nothing like the Easter Kiwi bird flying over and dropping little treats for the children. Maybe they don't have wings and can't fly? When I need information on important issues such as this, I always turn to the CarnegieMellon Institute for Green Oxidation Chemistry.

************
You can stop looking, Bello's bike was found.

************
Links to Stuff Mentioned in This Week's Column
It is Opening Day. As it turned out the April sun around here today was not that bright. But the zombie flowers are blooming. Here is a rare glimpse into the Red Sox Web Site Virtual Waiting Room. Since no sports writer in the history of sports writing has ever correctly picked which team will win the World Series, you can assume this is bad news for the Tigers. Others are predicting a surprise winner this year. For all you sports sluts, have one last fling. As far as science projects go, by the title it appears this one explains how to poison a puppy. This was obviously before pet food makers started doing it themselves. "I love the smell of Doppler radar in the morning."