Get the Kinks Out
I know this is from The Onion, so it's not a real article or anything, but it might be the most honest sports story you read all summer....Condoleezza Rice is visiting England and asking questions about the meaning of Beatles lyrics in an attempt to determine, we believe, if any of the songs contain hidden Al-Qaeda instructions. As an aside to the Condoleezza Rice in England story, I have two words to say: Jack Straw? Jack Straw???? What is he, a nursery rhyme character?....The End is Near, or maybe not. Do these end-of-the-world predictions remind you of anything? What local TV weather reports really need: More hand puppets with attitude....Vacation Alert: If planning on visiting Las Vegas this spring be aware that the military plans to test a huge bomb in Nevada. This type of massive explosive power might be necessary in the future if they ever want to knock down some of today's larger casinos in order to build something more understated....If I'm reading between the lines correctly, according to this article it sounds as if there are some bargains to be found in Germany....As for the report the other day about there being too much public swearing, a Supreme Court Justice weighs in....Friday music selection: Something new, something old, with a little bit of blues added.

Strike One
Is America's innovative spirit alive and well? The record-setting Beeboo Big Bubble says, "Yea, it is." ...Selig appointed elder statesmen, George Mitchell, to investigate steroids. The 72-year-old Mitchell (seen here, he's the one on the left), a former Senate Majority Leader, accepted saying, "Roids have no place in baseball. Although, we can understand how it happens, especially with all the sitting the players do on those hard, wooden benches. But, the solution is in our hands." Barry Bonds had no comment on this development, but instead continued with his normal spring training routine....What I wonder is, would the Australian police have let the drunk driver leave if he had asked a more sensible question? Here's what the monolith looks like, kind of hard to miss...Here is what the CIA was able to find out about something which is very dear to us all, the Earth. CIA Geography Note: "The world is now thought to be about 4.55 billion years old, just about one-third of the 13-billion-year age estimated for the universe." And, coincidentally, the same age as Joan Rivers....Who needs Dr. Phil when couples can handle their disagreements in such a mature and respectful manner....An upcoming scene from the show Prison Break: "Drop the Gun." "I can't, it's stuck to my hand."...Meanwhile, the Italian race for prime minister heats up.

BLEEP You
Yes, we might cuss more than we should, but at least this ain't South BLEEPING Park (Trust me, if this clip was not from Albania, you would hear many, many very bad cuss words in English)....Education Today: "OK kids, time for our social studies lesson, so would every please stop sitting still"...All right all you art lovers and Britney Spears fans, you won't want to go here...Education Today II: "Johnny, nice job on your writing assignment, I see you call this play you wrote Hamlet."...Oh crap, now DVD players have Blu-rays....It cost the parents $11 in tokens before they got the boy out...I knew something was odd about those American Pie movies...Need to learn to type, enjoy video games, and like destroying zombies? Good news, there's a product out there for you....Looking to get someplace fast, the scramjet could be the answer. Not to be confused with Roger Ramjet...This is a weird case, but we must feel pity for the guy if he is receiving telepathic communications from female celebrities such as her.

Disaster Resistant
Uh-oh, experts say conditions are ripe for New England to get hit by a major hurricane this year. Someone better inform FEMA. Or not. It might be better if we move to "The Valley," a disaster resistant multi-state community. I think it's located somewhere near here....It is reassuring to know that there have been no Hugh Grant moments at 10 Downing Street. At least not since Margarat Thatcher was Prime Minister. Is there an equivalent to a Hugh Grant moment in Germany?...Class, today's lesson is: How to spot a con artist. To begin, get your checkbooks out. Maybe he was promising beach front property in a disaster resistant location. You might need to drive a two-door rocket car to get there. While we are on the topic of Mars, maybe we're not looking hard enough for signs of life....Something tells me that in this Scrabble game putting down "Kemosabe" won't be allowed...I guess Bonds expects us to feel sorry for him, or something. If he thinks his life is bad now, just wait until he gets this guy mad at him. Red Sox fans can tell you what that was like.

Merlot Drinkers
The IKEA founder might be frugal, but I bet he has a large staff to put together his furniture for him...From Chron.com (All the Chron that's fit to print), we find that FEMA now recognizes the Gulf Coast as a place with a lot of hurricane activity....If you are planning on driving somewhere today, maybe you should walk. Or drive a more economical car...A friend once told co-workers at a meeting that he loved the New England Patriots more than his wife, but he was only kidding. We think...."Hey, Hank, once we get done welding these here girders, how 'bout we head over to the bar and pound a couple merlots?"...When this teenager is old enough, he won't be a sissy merlot drinker...All right everyone, time to get out your March Madness brackets, circle George Mason, then dispose of it.

Lefty
Good news if you are left-handed, and a snail. Although I admit I didn't even know snails had hands....There might be a slight delay in introducing HD DVD, but it is only a matter of time before I can't work any of my home entertainment equipment....UCLA had a stunning come from behind victory over the Zags, bringing up a question on everyone's mind: What is a Zag and do they have anything other than a basketball program?...WAAA-RBC Follow-up Update: Out of gratitude for beating the US, a large influx of Japanese tourists are poised to take 5 trillion pictures of Mexico this summer....Speaking of unfair stereotypes, you know how everyone says English cooking is so bad. They were right....More News From Across the Pond: According to this article, a punter was gutted when a spot-kick was missed, scuppering his chance to collect a million quid from the accumulator. Although obviously written in code, I think it was a bad thing. The kick must have been similar to this one...A thoughtful, BLEEPING eulogy for Chef.

Working for the Man
South BLEEPING Park update: The show's creators kill off Chef, but remember what a great guy he was - but only after they've killed him off....The large anvil and box of ACME dynamite must have tipped off authorities in New York that a coyote was in Central Park....As for someone sticking to a job for a long time, here's a great story you probably already heard about: Arthur "Deke" Winston is retiring at age 100. In the article, however, it claims he worked 75 years for the so-called Metro Transit Authority in Los Angeles. Even if such a thing really existed, which is highly doubtful, wouldn't that be a little like selling air conditioners in Iceland...Maybe this tortoise would have lived even longer if it worked for LA Mass Transit....Ten days away from the baseball season, so here's something to get fans ready. What do you mean they didn't turn the double play?...On American Idol, Kevin Covais, nicknamed Chicken Little, was (--Insert Your Own Chicken Related Pun Here--)....SHOCKING REPORT: According to leading economic models, by the end of this century we will all bleed to death while trying to shave. Maybe we should all just grow beards.

Get Outta Here
Wait, we were kidding. Adam Vinatieri signed with the Indianapolis Colts. The Colts! He might as well have joined the Taliban. Of course, just like when Johnny Damon, the long-haired, bearded one, joined the veteran Yankees team, Boston sports writers are taking the news about Adam V. in their usual calm manner...Boston also said goodbye this week to Red Sox pitcher Bronson Arroyo, who will forever be remembered with A-Rod in the famous slap play. When I first heard Arroyo was traded for Wily Mo, though, I thought the Red Sox got an old blues singer in return. Instead they got Paul Bunyan. Here's the real Paul Bunyan for comparison purposes...In other sporting news from around the world, something called the Commonwealth Games are going on and the raging debate is whether or not the Kiwis are overdoing the haka? I don't have any idea what that means, but maybe they are... Nowadays if someone set up a fallout shelter, they would stock it with the one food item capable of lasting for centuries when left in its original packaging, Hostess Twinkies. Twinkies are not only delicious, but educational and versatile....And I thought my town had issues...Forget my town or English islands, the world wants to know what the BLEEP is going on in South Park. Has Chef been replaced, had a stroke, or what? Meanwhile, it's always enjoyable making fun of Tom Cruise.

RIP Humphrey
Sad news out of Great Britain: Humphrey the cat has died....But good news to anyone who lives in a home and has small children. According to the latest medical research you don't need to clean anymore. Although you probably want to pick up some if company is coming over....The odds of being in a plane crash are nothing compared to the odds that you will not have clean underwear with you when you arrive at your destination. Of course, maybe the bags fell out when the plane did a loop (Note:Humphrey probably would not have enjoyed the plane ride as much as the dog did)...I doubt more than a few diehard baseball fans stayed up late enough to find out who won the inaugural WAAA-RBC. We are on to other sports now...Darn, I missed Brent having a meltdown and being axed on The Apprentice. But I had more important town meeting business to deal with. And I will miss American Idol tonight.

We Are the Champions
A Malaysian man holds the record for snake kissing? Isn't this the sort of important achievement Americans once proudly went after?...Maybe I can't offer heaven, but If you read my column three times you might get a, ummm, a free car wash....Speaking of this week's column, in it I mention wearing a Rayon shirt in the 1960s. For those who weren't around or don't remember how hideous our fashion sense was back then, here's an example....

Nursery Rhyme Corner:

Mary had a little lamb
And it had six legs!

The WAAA-RBC final game is tonight between Japan and Cuba, but our attention has turned to March Madness...Maybe the US isn't the snake kissing champs anymore, but when it comes to convincing thousands of people to get naked, who are you going to call?...Have you ever packed your car for vacation and had to leave something behind because you didn't have room for it? Well, you didn't try hard enough...If you are a guy, you only need to watch the first few seconds of this video to see you can't live without this highly advanced lawn mower. Although, watching this thing zip around on its own makes me think a Stephen King novel based on it can't be far behind....A remote control lawn mower would certainly come in handy if you buy an entire town.

Welcome Back
Happy St. Patrick's Day...Team USA failed to reach the semifinals in the WAAA-RBC last night, losing to Mexico. And in true world tournament fashion, Mexico not only eliminated the US, but also itself when it scored a run in the third inning. According to the ESPN broadcasters, who certainly might have been drunk, Mexico's only hope to advance would have been to take a 0-0 tie into the bottom of the 13th inning, then hit a three-run homer. Seriously. Who could think up this kind of stuff? It certainly is not as simple and straightforward as the NCAA basketball brackets...To get on one of these porn websites, would you have to enter through a red door first?...Finally, China finds a way to keep children from wanting to play computer games. Why not promise adults a copy of Mao's writings if they stop jaywalking? Here in the US, such limitations on baby naming would cause widespread protests....Crazy delicious: Mack on them cupcakes (if you're willing to wait long enough). Breaking down Lazy Sunday. Someday it will probably be made into a feature movie. Speaking of which, do you ever get the feeling that all our collective childhood television memories are being remade for the big screen?... And now we have Barry Bonds' new theme song I Ain't Saying My Goodbyes by Tom Vek.

Bloody Hell Madness
The WAAA-RBC continues tonight with Team USA only needing a win over Mexico to advance to the semifinals. They avoided elimination last night when Korea beat Japan. Otherwise, Team USA would still have had a chance following a complicated tie-breaker system worked out by the UN. It went something like this: Team USA would be in if Japan won but scored more, or maybe less, than seven runs, had a combined ERA of exactly 2.3973978, agreed to adhere to all SALT treaties, and killed at least one bird with a pitch before the fifth inning…Speaking of competitive events in the month of March, I wouldn’t call it madness, but I would call it American Idol. To figure out who has a shot to make it to the final showdown, it is best to write down your guesses on a sheet of paper….It’s all about the Grovers. Bill Gates has hundreds of real ones in his wallet.…Bloody hell update. Good news, they “got the roos off the green.” CBS will think twice before running the commercial…Parents, it’s like having the answers written on your forearm…I hear there’s a college basketball game or two on today?

A True Pop Idol Indeed
Did the people who bid for this item realize it was, you know, snow? The kind that melts, eventually....Maybe this couple's argument started when one of them bought snow on eBay...Today's Driving Tip: Avoid "reversing further than necessary." Actually, I might have owned a similar car once myself...Looking for a new car? No cats were harmed in the making of this (sick, demented, kind of funny) commercial. At least we hope not. Caution to cat lovers: DON'T CLICK ON THAT LAST LINK! Instead, go to your happy place by clicking here....By now you've heard that Mike Wallace is retiring from 60 Minutes before he is placed on the National Historic Registry...Sometimes you have to take a stand to protect your Constitutional rights...Practical jokes are all fun and games until someone covered in syrup and oatmeal pulls out a .22-caliber bolt-action rifle....Who will be tossed this week on American Idol? Okay, no one really cares, but it's fun to watch anyway. The money is on Orville Redenbacher's great-great-great-grandson leaving soon.

Mr. Roboto
Team USA is in trouble again after losing to Korea in the WAAA-RBC....What about all the hours that would be wasted listening to directions?...Robots for the elderly? They can't even figure out how to work the DVD player. The idea of robots to help around the house is not new. After the Jetsons, Rosie appeared in some action flicks. Here's a case of robot intrigue...Swimming pool owners in Australia, beware...On The Apprentice, somebody else who in two weeks we won't remember as ever being on the show, was fired. The candidates keep getting worse. Three candidates for next season have already been chosen.

Seeing is Believing
In Whale News: "Dangerously friendly" Luna is believed dead....This is an interesting article if you are considering purchasing an LCD television in the near future, but I really linked to it because I can't believe the Houston Chronicle calls its online version the Chron.com. It sounds vaguely obscene... Women looking online for guys to date beware, sometimes they lie about their looks...Do you want performance and speed in your next car, think V W Bug...Forget global warming, we got bigger problems: First brown snow, now yellow snow. With all this going on you can understand why some people get nervous when the sun goes away. If they freak over an eclipse, don't show them this. Instructions for making a head-moving dragon here...If you plan to move to Norway, do we ever have the apartment for you...If foosball ever becomes an Olympic sport (and it probably will), sign this guy up....And finally, we begrudgingly give A-Rod his due for hitting in the winning run in last night's WAAA-RBC game against an upset Japan. See for yourself...Final Jeopardy .

The Rat-Squirrel?
The No Longer Stealth Local American Idol Contestant, who wasn't seen at all during the early rounds of the show, didn't make it to the top twelve. Something tells me she'll be all right....In WAAA-RBC news, Mexico defeated Canada, which is good for Team USA, although I thought it was the other way around, but what do Americans know, the tournament is designed like the soccer World Cup....Nobody wants this. Here's what the rat-squirrel looks like. Ooops, I meant, this...Ever notice how red holiday napkins turn things pink when they get wet? Then is this new product such a great idea? In case you're keeping count. I made the list at number 5,489,398,001, surprisingly far behind this guy.

Is It Hot In Here?
Could someone turn on the air conditioner, please? Worrisome aspect about scientists who created temperatures 100 times hotter than the sun's interior: They don't know how they did it....Hopefully, the same can't be said by the creators of the World's Toughest Coffee Mug. What about the World's Most Repulsive Coffee Mug?..The big results show is tonight for American Idol, and the No Longer Stealth American Idol Contestant, Ayla Brown, has a lot of local support...Traffic Report: Isn't this multi-tasking? Story Note: She comes from a town called Mold, apparently near Connah's Quay. And it's historic...Why soccer has been slow to catch on in this country: We don't get it....As for a sport that makes perfectly good sense...Speaking of our neighbors to the north, Canada beat the USA in the WAAA-RBC yesterday, held in Phoenix, which previously held the record for hottest temperature recorded on earth.

U S A! U S A! And Big Papi, too
This bobble head is a good likeness, but it doesn't fully capture her eyes....Funny, I think the same thing must have happened to me nearly 30 years ago...We should have known something was up with Barry Bonds, when he started showing up at spring training looking like this....Meanwhile, the USA team in the WAAA-RBC (World All About A-Rod Baseball Classic) won, as did our other American team, commonly referred to as the Dominicans....Tip for those thinking of taking a sightseeing helicopter ride, don't go if the pilot's nickname is Kamikaze. Here's a better way to fully experience the Grand Canyon. Here's the wrong way...Why Ronald is always so happy...I hope this doesn't mean trouble.

Keeping it Simple
Cheerleaders, they make football players look like wimps...Crime wave in the suburbs, who stole the concrete lions and decorative lawn duck?...As if the thought of eating raw fish isn't unappetizing enough, now sushi's known as the New Russian Roulette...Besides the fish and the weather, next the sun is going to try to kill us...The US plays Mexico today in the World All About A-Rod Baseball Classic . The WAAA-RBC brings the best baseball players on the planet together (apparently, to sit around a TV laughing at these guys)...This has already been seen by everyone on the planet, and Springfield...Americans, not the only fat people in the world...Somehow, 50% seems low to me. This helps explain what happens..Finally, A sad, too soon goodbyeto Kirby Puckett.

Oscar
Elephant Handling Lesson No. 1: Don't get them perturbed at you.... The Oscars were held last night in Hollywood, which is a mythical land similar to Narnia, only with more gum on the sidewalks. And winning best picture was the movie, "Crash," which I haven't seen, beating out a bunch of other movies I haven't seen. Exciting stuff. Hairstyles took an experimental twist this year. Jon Stewart, after losing a bet, hosted the event. Here an Oscar statue appears to be relieving itself in front of a crowd of curious onlookers. Correction, I did see one Oscar winning feature. The following is an example of the duo's earlier work. And I saw half of another winner the March of the Penguins....In other news, not much happened, except that President Bush took up a new sport....And finally, the 60s ended that day in 2006 when they ate the last free love chimp.

Day by Day
And if you listen closely when you prune, you can hear them scream...Job openings in Latvia...When you get to the corner of Lonesome and Hardup, take a left....FOOOOORE!!!!...Accodring to this report, Paula Abdul was stoned. My question is, how can you tell?...They are taking an easier approach at the UN...But authorities get tough in Oregon....How Not to Spot a Pipe Bomb: Drive around campus looking for stickers on things stating it is a pipe bomb...The quality of the contestants on The Apprentice is slipping. (Warning: Rated Ear Muffs for some bad words.)

Thermal Unrest
Manny Made It! All of Red Sox Nation says: "Thanks for showing up."...Parenting 101: Don't give kids everything they ask for...Is that thermal unrest in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?...This is the part you don't see in Superhero Action Movies. Maybe if he was taking on Osama bin Laden, officials would let the nuisance charge slide...Uh-oh, the President might be off the wagon...If you get in trouble for copyright infringement from watching that last clip, don't tell them who gave you the link...Wouldn't it be easier to place the implants into lawyers?...Idol Update: Can he be the next Bo? Is Bo even the next Bo. Meanwhile, dreams will be crushed mercilessly tonight. Too bad I'll miss it...Do you have trouble parallel parking? Not anymore.

For the Birds
Bird Flu Alert: This can only mean trouble. Did anyone think to check if the Chicken Streaker visited Germany recently, just wondering...I forgot to mention this yesterday, but The Apprentice is back, but on Mondays now, which is the day of the week everyone hates, so what better way to end it then by watching Donald Trump. I only saw the boardroom part last night, but it appears that the contestants are, once again, exactly the type of people you would expect to see on a reality TV show...Speaking of reality TV, the No Longer Stealth American Idol Contestant from around here did all right, even impressing Paula Abdul despite choosing the dreaded Blue Swirl background special effects screen, which my wife has determined is the Performance Kiss of Death....This is exactly why we have a Supreme Court in this country, to settle the important cases that affect all of us...Everyone is an art critic. Attempts to clean the damaged work of art revealed another masterpiece underneath....Kids, if he wins a seat on the school board, expect a more liberal dress code. One that will probably stand up to Supreme Court standards...Kayaking or whale watching? Now you can do both….When they are teenagers, good luck convincing these twins that one of them is not adopted.