The Peyton Manning Will Choke in Super Bowl XLI Countdown is Now 4 Days, 9 Hours Away
I did consider the idea that it would be nice for the good people of Indianapolis to win a Super Bowl, seeing how people there are Midwesterners and probably extremely friendly and polite to the point where if you were to get into a car accident with one of them, being from the Midwest they would not only exchange insurance information with you but also a creamed casserole dish or jell-o mold, which they normally carry extra of in their trunk for just such an emergency. But I decided against rooting for the Colts because: A) when the moving trucks filled with Colts equipment was pulling out of Baltimore, I was living in Phoenix and for a brief moment (regular programming was interrupted to show the moving trucks) we thought the trucks were heading our way. Instead, several years later Arizona got the Cardinals. Thanks a lot. B) Chicago is also filled with Midwesterners and, presumably, nice, jell-o eating people. C) Chicago never stole a professional team from another city that my hometown wanted to steal first. D) Chicago's quarterback, while not as talented as the Indianapolis quarterback, has one intangible going for him: he is not Peyton "The Endorser" Manning.

This Sunday, Flush without Fear: MSNBC takes on the top ten Super Bowl myths.

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Joe Biden just announced his candidacy for president, meaning currently there are more presidential candidates in the world than there are pandas. Who might be next?

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The first signs that an ancient village was once at the site of Stonehenge was the discovery of the remains of a Druid Wal-Mart greeter.

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Consumer Alert!

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The law should also be amended to include any member of the Indianapolis Colts. Here are the actual (for real) Standards of Herouxville from the town's website. Some of these are pretty good.

Donald Trump Says She Can Keep Her Crown, However
I guess when you become the oldest person in the world, your days are numbered. Like many New Englanders, she probably couldn't stand the thought of watching Peyton Manning winning the Super Bowl. Friends and relatives can take solace in knowing she lived a long and fulfilled life and, most importantly, was spared from having to upgrade her computer to Microsoft Vista.

If we get anymore presidential candidates, we should just refer to them collectively as Congress. At least the latest candidate, former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee, has people that really heart him.

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Good news, Perky the Duck escapes death again.

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Move over NASCAR, there's a new race in town. Well, actually in Mumbai, India.

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Maybe I'm wrong about this, but I don't think I want to know someone who would wear a video belt buckle.

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Links from this week's column:
Take the sound poll yourself. Here are the sound files to listen to, download to your iPod, or use to liven up a dull Power Point presentation to an important client, etc. The Farting Preacher never gets old. Click for a Midi-file from hell version of YMCA. (My suggestion, don't click on it. You've been warned.)

Cold Enough for You?
It is one of those cold mornings that can make one forget about global warming. With the lack of snow this season, the TV weather gaggle in New England is trying to make the best of the situation by cheerfully showing possible wind chill temperatures in the minus 30 range and happily explaining the accompanying risk of frostbite. After listening to them for a while, one would expect most people this weekend will be busy having the tips of their toes and fingers, along with ear and nose parts, cut off due to frostbite damage. But low temperatures are easier to deal with than a major snow or ice storm. To rephrase what they say in Phoenix about the heat, Hey, at least you don't have to shovel the cold.

To give an idea how serious the cold weather is, here's a weather graphic used by one TV station.

Meanwhile, in other news of interest only to New England, the Red Sox finally signed outfielder J.D. Drew before he reached retirement age, after coming to a preliminary agreement sometime back in the late 20th Century. Not that many fans are jumping up and down. The consensus on talk radio is that he won't work out here, and that he is a terrible signing by Theo. Which is enough reason for me to be hopeful that Drew will be a great player here.

ALERT, ALERT: Nicole Kidman was barely injured during an accident while filming a stunt for her new movie that, in all likelihood, I'll never watch. For some reason this was Big News last night and today. Even bigger news, while flipping channels last night Beth and I came across Stewart Little 2, and the dad in the movie was played by Hugh (Dr. House) Laurie. I didn't recognize him, even after my wife said, "Don't you recognize who that is?" He wasn't scruffy enough, I guess. I previously wrote about House/Laurie and realized there are A LOT of Hugh Laurie fans out there.


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He wasn't too shy to ask for directions, he was a guy.

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This is the sort of technological advances society needs.

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If hiking or horseback riding in Saratoga, Calif., be on the lookout (or, maybe better, don't look) for a nude jogger with "dark hair, sweaty red skin and lack of body hair."

Random Thoughts from Last Night's State of the Union Address, Such as Was Dick Cheney Having Angina Pain or Gas?
At one point in the speech, Cheney broke into this weird smile, then quickly popped something small into his mouth that my wife Beth said could have been a nitroglycerin pill, or maybe one of those Listerine breath strips. His facial expressions are like those of an infant, every bodily discomfort comes across as a grimace, sneer, or weird smile. What is unclear is whether the discomfort we witnessed was due to chest pain or sausage and onions for dinner.

Memo to congress before the next State of the Union address: stop with the autograph hounding. What are you, ten years old? I think I saw at least one baseball passed to the president to sign on his way out. Thank God Nancy Pelosi didn't lift her shirt and ask the president to "Sign the left one." (Here is a photo taken moments before the speech of the President and Madam Speaker arm wrestling.)

Meanwhile, another of those video terrorist-grams were released the other day. It was made by the current second or third ranking member of al-Qaeda, Ayman "Buddy" al-Zawahri, who only a few weeks ago was working in the al-Qaeda mail room. He "taunts" President Bush's surge plan by telling him to bring on the "entire army." In full he says: "So send your entire army to be annihilated at the hands of the mujahedeen (holy warriors) to free the world from your evil," He might as well be in a MySpace chat room. "And another thing George, Tony Blair told Putin who told me that he doesn't really like you as much as you think." Why is terrorist-gram rhetoric so juvenile? Every terrorist-gram could be boiled down to one main theme: "You're stupid, and we hate you." What are they, ten years old?

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File this article under Ouch II, the Sequel.

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When I saw this story, I immediately thought of the most obnoxious commercial of the 2006 Christmas Shopping Season.

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Yeah, the border guards won't notice a few rare birds in the car.

More on Rachael Ray, not that anyone wants more...
But after reading last week's column on Rachael Ray, a friend sent an email explaing that the Oxford Dictionary plans to add EVOO as a new word. Who ever says EVOO, other than Rachael Ray? This might be the first time in recorded human history that a word which only one person uses is added to a dictionary. Here is proof the Oxford dictionary people just wanted to promote their dictionary on her show, er, I mean, compile a comprehensive list of English words.

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One last thought about the Patriots. The way they played this year, it seemed like they would be one and out in the playoffs. So making it to the AFC Championship game, and nearly winning it, was overachieving. Not a bad season when your favorite team plays every week except the by-week and the Super Bowl. By the way, if the football season lasted as long as baseball does, the NFL would still be playing regular season games until March 11th, with the Super Bowl being played sometime in mid April. The shorter season and the fact that a third otakes place over the holidays (yes, during ThankChristmaYear) makes the season fly by.

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This just in on MSNBC: Ouch. Quote of Note: “Eric is a tough boy. He’s super fit. But I would say that would test anyone’s resolve, being a fish lunch.”

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Perhaps, your dog does deserve a cold beer. But really, wouldn't he be just as happy with a nice, cool drink from the toilet bowl?

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Links to Stuff Mentioned in This Week's Column:
Here is the video of a BMW parallel parking itself. Here is the story about the doofus driver in Germany. And after one reader thought I must have been watching video of a Lexus parking, I found this silly Lexus demonstration. Enjoy.