"You'll Never Read Again"
Someday you will remember where you were the day you learned that The Onion had started a News Network. Until that day, keep the slip of paper with your address written on it in your pocket just in case you wander off again.

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A hero, or was the dog just asking to go outside?

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Who invited these guys? But experts believe they found something that will drive away the baboons.

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Avast! It would take more than a simple fall off the side of a cruise ship to keep this modern day Jack Sparrow from continuing his voyage.

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I'm just guessing, but once this is built I don't think anyone plans to challenge their record.

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Would you like paper or, um, plast...oh the hell with it, carry your damn groceries home in your arms.

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Why plow? If I was them, I'd wait for it to melt. Now for your listening pleasure, a clip of Tumbling Tumbleweeds.

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Yes, but did any of them know the Heimlich Maneuver?

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JetBlue is already planning on having a fleet of spaceships based here that never leave the earth.

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To recap, instead of having a panda that won't mate, they now have a panda that won't mate but loves watching porn. I don't want to worry anyone, but I think this guy likes the panda porn, too.

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Understatement of the Year: “Would you really want them back?” he asked. “I would say not.”