Is There Anyone Out There?
Come in, come in. Trying to contact any survivors of the 311Y2K07 virus. Did anyone else make it? Come in, please. If you get this message, you need to know that your clock is off by one hour. I repeat, the time is one hour later than your clock says. This concludes our post-apocalyptic DST message of the day.

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More importantly, what is Scientology's stance on suspenders?

Later in the same gossip column we are glad to learn that Tom Brady is so far limiting his illegitimate children to one at a time.

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Gee, I wish someone had told me this before I booked my trip. Hold on, what about this?

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If you must mention them at all, refer to them as those big, white, fluffy arctic dogs.

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Be prepared for a flurry of local television news reports titled Killer Kittens and Fatal Felines.

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Don't forget to wish the nerds in your life Happy Pi Day this Wednesday.

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What if they ask an aardvark to live peacefully with them?

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The silverware bandits are on the loose.

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Links to Stuff from This Week's Column:
Hey Joe, how you doin'? If you missed them, here are the winning Mega Millions numbers. Someone in New Jersey is $195 million poorer than they need be. Really, wouldn't it be more fun to pay your bills with checks this size? One word: Tahiti. Here are some typical things found growing in an office refrigerator. Season...almost...here.