About a Third of the Way There
I haven't posted much about the Red Sox up to this point, but just in case you haven't checked the standings lately, here they are.

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Shake, shake, shake your booty. Shake your booty. Make sure you have the right music on when exercising on a vibrating machine.

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If Yoko Ono hadn't caused the Beatles to breakup 37 years ago, this might have done it.

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Another reason to ignore the French.

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Not that there is anything wrong with it...wait a minute, yes there is.

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We're guessing this wasn't stolen to be sniffed.

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I have no idea how one would even begin to use Microsoft's new computer, but there are three-year-olds who will have no trouble figuring it out.

Now If We Could Only Capture Bin Laden
Residents of LA can rest easy tonight, Reggie has been caught.

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If there was a superhero that could solve Naples trash crisis, wouldn't he be called Garbageman.

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Unfortunately, I think we missed the Yasothon Bun Bang Fai rocket festival. Apparently there was a "large feast to enjoy as well as beauty pageants to gaze upon."

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Not angry? Tibetan Monks would make the best parents in the world.

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Admit it, deep down we all feel extremely stupid whenever we buy a bottle of water. Well then, think how stupid Coca-Cola must feel today, especially since, according to this headline, it believes the company it is buying actually makes water.

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First The Police get back together, now this. In case you missed it, Donny Osmond has a new CD out that I recently reviewed.

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Like this will do anything. According to the article: Maria McClory, 38, drove 10 miles out of her way to buy a diet soda from Pollack's station after seeing local television coverage of the protest. "I just wanted to support them and thank them for making a statement," said McClory. Let me see if I understand, this women drove 20 extra miles and used approximately a gallon of gas to to show her support for this gas station's protest against the big oil companies. For the record, the big oil companies are laughing at us.

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"HA, HA, HA, HA, HA," said the big oil companies.

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I have no idea what this video is about, but I couldn't stop watching. The Hoff in a light saber battle with a robot comes at the end.

Any Summer Travel Plans?
Going to London this summer? Now you have something to really look forward to. This story just screamed for a link to the classic Plastics scene from The Graduate. (Unfortunately, the video quality is crummy.) Hey, ever wondered what happened to that young actor who played Ben? Trivia Alert: The actor who played Dustin Hoffman's dad in the movie went on to be the voice of the car driven by this famous star. By the way, "Do the Pingu" would ya.

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Coincidentally, three Kings from the Orient showed up bearing gifts, then were eaten by the shark.

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An idea those "expert" traffic engineers never thought of. Important Constitutional Question of the Day answered: There's nothing illegal about displaying steer heads on private property, said Sgt. Dennis Rector.

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Maybe they need to display some steer heads in Germany.

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At least he wasn't driving a wheelchair.

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It's for charity, dude.

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Great news for hurricane lovers. The rest, check your flashlight batteries.

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Warning to golfers: you might want to walk the course next time.

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European summer vacationers, after visiting the museums in London, jet over to Stockholm. Update: I actually read the article and apparently the museum won't be open until 2009. So in the meantime, enjoy.

Jumping Frogs, Swarming Cicadas, Alien Fish, Hef Bunnies, and Armed Cows. A Busy Day.
I bet Mark Twain would be extremely proud that his story is so well loved more than a century later, but he'd still think all these people were ninnies.

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You just know this case is heading to the Supreme Court.

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People of the Midwest, it was good knowing you.

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In the live action version, David Hasselhoff will play the Great Cow Guru.

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Did the cow guru have something to do with this decision?

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What NASA never expected: Space aliens are fish!

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Makes sense, since it was the same method voters used to decide who to vote for in the first place.

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Who wouldn't want more Hef bunnies? Oh, you mean they're real rabbits. In that case who cares?

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Links to Stuff Mentioned in This Week's Column:
Here is an article on the road rage survey. Check for road rage in Miami yourself in real time. As for its reputation for crime and shootings, a new breed of cop is starting to make Miami streets safer. Here is a photo of George Steinbrenner and NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg in happier times. It looks as if the mayor is thinking, "That nice Mr. George let me wear this really awesome hard hat and hold this cool shovel!" In an effort to thwart terrorists, Boston has stayed away from a grid pattern for its roads, preferring instead a roadway system no one can figure out. In Phoenix, curves in the road are now being added to deliberately confuse and slow down the drivers. It appears by this thermal map of Phoenix, that even during an October night it is hotter there than on the sun's surface.

Summer 's Coming, Get the Sunscreen
You know summer is almost here when they start spotting naked people in Vermont. Quote of Note: "This is indecent exposure where it doesn't belong." Which leads me to wonder: Is there someplace where indecent exposure does belong? And if so, would it then no longer be indecent?

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More naked people in the news. Nude car wash update: Yes, it is a constitutionally guaranteed right - at least it is down under. (And probably Vermont.)

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What a touching and heartwarming story, right up until the moment the tiger cubs are big enough to eat their surrogate mother.

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Parents, when your kid asks if he can bring the classroom pet home during school vacation, tell him no.

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Florida knows what to do next: hire the chad-checking people from the 2000 election to take a look.

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Next time your stuck in the Big Dig tunnel in Boston, don't be surprised if someone behind you asks to play through.

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Act first, think later. It helps us when searching for entertaining stories of extreme stupidity, such as this one.

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And word is she can drink under the table co-eds twenty years younger than her.

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Just when I think I've linked to every example of why if you were David Hasselhoff you'd drink heavily too, I find another great example. Limbo time! At some point, isn't unemployed obscurity a better career move?

Jimmy Neutron's Grandfather
I have to admit, growing up we had Big Boy restaurants around us, and the Big Boy statue always sort of creeped me out. So this would have been really weird. As for the headline, there is an unmistakable family resemblance.

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Responding to the news, JetBlue immediately canceled 100 flights.

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I guess it's hard being the Hoff. But that doesn't mean we don't have another schmaltzy music video of his to link to.

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Speaking of singers, here's Fantasy All Star Idol, not to give away the end but Ziggy Stardust marries Ryan Seacrest.

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They will start construction just as soon as someone brings them a cubit-based tape measure.

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How did I miss the Cheese Nun?

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It's Miller time.

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Is that a gun in your diaper, or are you just happy to see me? Quote of Note: "Does a 10-month-old need a FOID card? No, but there are no restrictions under the act regarding age of applicants."

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Concerned that they may need to ask passengers to push their planes, JetBlue immediately canceled another 64 flights.

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Have any plans for Saturday? Now you do. Among the Events: "Smokey the Bear is scheduled to appear. A scavenger hunt, tree rubbings and a professional tree climbing event are a few of the activities." Tree rubbings?

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So, did you do anything special for Mother's Day?

Knight Ride It Into the Ground
You might be wondering how long I can keep riding the You Would Drink Heavily Too If You Were David Hasselhoff theme. For as long as I keep finding goofy music videos like this one, that's how long.

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If the children had been raised on Mickey Hamouse, they would have known how to react.

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Speaking of nuts.

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Sometimes there's no reasoning with an expectant turtle.

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Italy takes a giant step into the 20th century. Next up: Let women vote!

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I am proud to say that I refuse to post obits such as this one just to make a cheap joke about someone pissing his life away. We have standards here.

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A better headline would have read: Nudist camps popularity sagging.

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America, be ready to squint. They are taking away our light bulb.

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It's good to see that other animal species are willing to do their part for charity.

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Links to Stuff Mentioned in This Week's Column:
The Mickey Hamouse story isn't over yet. I first heard about evil Mickey last Wednesday and decided to base this week's column on it. By Friday, before my deadline, I had to update the story to include new information stating that the show was being taken off the air. But before it was published today in the newspaper, there was a further development. Here is a clip from the show (not that I can vouch for the translation, but then again in not one article I've read has anyone refuted the characterization of the show's content). Not that we don't have our own nut jobs here in America. For example, here is someone making an idiotic comparison between evil Mickey teaching children hate and intolerance, with Western celebrities who use their fame to address adults and politicians as they promote causes ranging from environmental issues to world poverty.

Thin is the New Fat
Medical news about your diet that will make you say, "Are you freakin' kidding me!"

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Global warming might be real, but it would help the climatologists's credibility a smidgen if they could first predict with some accuracy what the weather will be like in, say, July 2007 before asking us to believe what they predict it will be like in July 2080.

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Chalk one up for the infidels, the Mickey Hamouse show was canceled.

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You've probably heard the joke before: "Last night I went to the fights, and a Pops concert broke out."

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It has been pointed out that you need a driver's license to drive a car, but no training to have a child. After seeing this, I don't think a child-rearing license would help either. Some people should just never be allowed to have children, period.

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Advice for any young person planning a career in journalism: Learn to wait tables. (Someday that might be the only job not outsourced to India.)

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Criminals, it's like they aren't even trying anymore.

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At least here is a criminal that puts a little effort into it.

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Some people visit Italy for the art, others go there to see sculptures of large naked guys.

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More David Hasselhoff - International Drunken Star. Since it is sung in German, I have provided a rough translation of the song's chorus: "I can't believe I'm this popular /And could sure down a bottle of tequila/As well as a hamburger right now. /Also, girls when you rush the stage/At the end, please no/Touching the hair."

Mickey Hamouse
It makes you wonder what the hell their version of Donald Duck is telling kids.

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Finally, one courageous man takes a stand.

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What major league baseball needs is an over forty league. But someone would have to break the news to him.

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The phone call every parent of a college student dreads, "Your drunken daughter was attacked by a giraffe."

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This is a perfect example of why no one should live in Alaska. After you read the entire article, I have one question: Does locking your doors really help to keep bears out? Can they turn door knobs? I honestly don't know. Meanwhile, Hollywood is helping, here is an important PSA on what to do in case of a bear attack.

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Staying with our theme of animals on a rampage, especially in Alaska, now we have this disturbing report.

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Thankfully, no giraffes were present.

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Considering all the animal attacks recently, who can blame this Canadian postal worker?

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Parents yell. It's what we do.

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Residents of Wisconsin, it's time to revolt.

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There were kids in my high school who grew and marketed their own plants, but theirs were illegal.

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If you think that's hot, you should hear her recite the Dewey Decimal System.

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Another example of why you would drink heavily, too, if you were David Hasselhoff. Be sure to check out the "Jet Pack to Hell" at the 1:50 mark.

Rocket's Green Glare
The Yankees printed some more money and signed Roger Clemens, although some New York fans must be concerned that the Rocket is starting to show his age. After an instinctive impulse to panic, Red Sox Nation reflected on it and is actually excited about the whole thing. Back in Texas, there's a first base coach position that opened up.

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These are the kind of vandals who would shoot holes in a boat they were in.

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World, try to save some sympathy for other celebrities just as unfortunate as Paris Hilton.

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This proves it, proper hygiene is a low priority for young boys.

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With all the financial trouble local governments are having these days, how much longer before someone sells the naming rights to the towns. "Welcome, now entering FedEx-ville."

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They didn't play because they knew the women would kick their sexist little butts.

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Just when you think our government must be made up of the biggest bunch of dopes around, a story overseas comes along and shows us that governments the world over are full of dopes.

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Like a firefighter or police officer, he must have known the risks going in.

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Colorado wants trained hunters. Quote of Note: Hunters will have to pass a test showing they know the difference between male and females before they set their sights on one of the big cats. (Hunters, here is how to tell the difference: The females are the ones who don't come along with you on these hunting trips.)

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Links to Stuff Mentioned in This Week's Column:
Here again is the link to the show Colonial House. Of course, living in Future House would mean never again having to pour a beer yourself. Perhaps the future is closer than we think. Why a state funeral was not held for the Time and Temperature Lady is baffling. She was so much more than Time and Temperature though. Here is an example of her most famous work. Hot Pockets are a cultural phenomenon. (Wait, did he pull those Hot Pockets out of his pants?)

Hooked on a Feeling
The best part of Western culture is that at some point nearly every idea will get tried at least once. So if we lived in a communist state, would a major, well respected, weekly news magazine think to ask top fashion consultants to remake the look of one of the most dangerous, and yes weird, men in the world? No, I think not. But Newsweek thought it was a great idea. So here is the Kim Jong Il Extreme Makeover (or Hip Eye for the Dictator Guy).

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The pets prefer to think of themselves as being big boned.

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"Hey look, honey, our Canadian friend lost some change in our sofa cushions."

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When visiting Peru, drinking the water might be your best option.

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One word, Yuck!

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Looking for a good time? Go to Carlisle, apparently the morose season has ended.

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Only in California can a pizza delivery robbery turn into a shoot out.

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Criminals today. Whatever happened to using old fashioned rope or duct tape to secure your victims?

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If you want them to polish your hood ornament, that's extra.

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Tip of the Day for Prison Inmates Writing Threatening Letters to Judges: Don't include your name, inmate number, and the address of the prison as part of the envelope's return address.

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BarfWatch! If you were David Hasselhoff, you'd drink heavily too.

It's Good to be Back Online
I honesty don't remember what life used to be like before the Internet. I was limited to sporadic dial up service for four days and it felt as if I was on an episode of Colonial House. If things got any worse, I was afraid I would have to start hauling buckets of water home from the town well, churn my own butter, and look up information in a book. Luckily, my DSL service was returned due to Verizon's expert tech support team.


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Kids, when I was young we had a saying: "Never trust anyone over 30." This is why.

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Real Estate Tip of the Day: Before putting your house on the market, go through and remove all personal items, such as family photos, dead bodies, etc.

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Marketing Tip of the Day: Give the consumer what they demand. If they want strawberry flavored meth, then tell them it's strawberry flavored meth. What will they know, anyway? Their brains are already the consistency of yogurt.

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Stealing Cell Phones Tip of the Day: Before hiding it in your pants, turn off the ring tone.

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Inspirational Headline of the Day, especially for any older gentlemen out there who still like to get busy once in a while in the, um, wood shop with the, um, drill press, if you know what I mean.

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Whoever said today's teachers aren't as tough as they were in the old days doesn't attend school in Orlando.

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Houston residents looking to make a little extra cash, here's a great opportunity.

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This is also good advice whenever visiting Sheryl Crow.

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She didn't wonder how it was he had a new car every time he came by?