Don't Touch the Cows
Good news for prairie chickens, a place to call home.. .It would be insensitive to make a short person joke here, so instead let's listen to a little (get it) Randy Newman in a video tribute to Mini-Me....Slackers....Please explain to me how someone this dorky looking manages to get even one wife?...The injury-riddled Red Sox look to the minor leagues for more help...Patients go high tech: "Take two anti-virus programs, de-frag, and call me in the morning"...Seattle cracks down....Make room...This just proves we should have done to tobacco executives what we wanted to do to them in the first place....Hands to yourself, cowboy....If we're handing out awards, how many M&M's if we capture Osama?

The Only Cubes I Like Are In My Drink
Next time you ask for a martini, make sure you're getting premium unleaded....Who says they don't know how to party in Nevada City?....Big deal if the customers do it, the employees at Home Depot move in slow motion all the time....Looking to start a new business but can't decide what kind? Consider trading in body parts. Quote of Note: "This is an industry anybody can get into, and there are bodies out there that are not being watched."....This contest would work much better if we were allowed to throw someone else's cell phone whenever we found them annoying....It's hard to believe, but this litigation happened someplace other than the United States....A practical wedding dress for the happy bride on her big day who outgrew the style she wore in high school....Beware in Scotland, street drinkers are on the move....This is why Rubik's Cube should be outlawed. We don't want to feel totally inadequate. This is bad enough, but this is devastating.

A Drinking Blog With a Baseball Problem
It's not laziness why we don't exercise, we're just not heeding our brain chemicals. The chemical gives the brain a message roughly translated as, "Get exercising you worthless piece of $&!#. "...We just went from nine to 12 now down to 8 planets in a week. What's going on in the astronomy community? {Note about previous music video: Mr. P. Floyd and his band couldn't make Music Friday. Frankly, I don't think there's much of a future for the group in rock and roll music.] Regardless of how many planets scientists decide upon, in our hearts, and in our steel trap minds, we will forever think there are nine....Are you looking for a fun place to live where you fit in and feel you belong? Try Milwaukee. I am happy to report Boston made fourth on the list of drinking towns. There are clear signs of heavy drinking going on in Whitefish Bay, Wisconsin. Quote of Note: "I just want my horn back."....Wondering where you can see the giant melons from the Iowa State Fair displayed? The answer: here...I am still recovering from last weekend's BoSox debacle. Even Business Week piled on. There's still time, though, isn't there? Isn't there?...Music Friday: Of course I was just kidding about Pink earlier, This is hardly new music but when I saw the video come up I just had to link to Live at Pompeii because 1) Meddle is one of my all time favorite albums - years ago reaching must-have-on-a-deserted-island-status for me- and 2) I saw the Live at Pompeii concert movie at the one and only midnight movie I ever went to during college, back when the midnight movie of midnight movies was the Rocky Horror Picture Show. I admit, however, to dozing off during some of the songs. By the way, how great is YouTube? To be able to find all this great stuff at your desk. Personally, I don't see what their point is about surfing the web at work.

The Great Escape
The Criminal Mind: "Thanks guys from helping me escape that minor possession charge, now does anyone have handcuff keys, a place for me to hide out, and a new identity?" Meanwhile, escaped tortoise Willy slowly made it back home...But will the kangaroos remember to take The Pill everyday?...I'm sure it sounded like a fun idea when someone suggested that they all jump off a pier together....From the headline, I thought this was a problem I face every morning while combing my hair in front of the mirror. It turns out to be about cricket and "ball-tampering."...Now this is the sort of thing I would expect to happen often in a Wal-Mart....Grocery shoppers and drunken gangs of teenagers in Inverurie, Aberdeenshire, Scotland take note of the new store hours...Just one more example of where airport security is heading: to the day we all fly empty handed and buck naked. Here are some carry-on items which will also soon be banned from airliners...Whoever said cats were smart?..."Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?" "I (hic) do your honor."

Who's Next On Deck?
Did you ever wonder what an alphabet chart - you know where A is for Apple, and there is a picture of both an A and an apple, etc - would be like if you wanted to offend as many people as possible? Wonder no more....Being a firefighter is becoming more dangerous all the time... Buncombe's Number One! (hic) Buncombe's Number One!...The cataclysmic weekend series with the Yankees has left Red Sox fans despondent. In related news, Yankees officials are driving to Williamsport with a truck loaded with cash...This is the sort of thing that gets farmers up early in the morning...Next on Divorce Court: Kolkata a divorced woman is told she must find a 70-year-old man to marry for at least one day then divorce him before being allowed to remarry her first husband, who accidentally divorced her while drunk. Celebrities would feel right at home there...Safety first: Helmets required, but riding topless okay....Good to see Augustus Gloop found steady employment....Comedy tip of the day, sound stupid. In Britain, that means a Birmingham accent. Wonder what works in the US?

Let's Play Two!
But if you take home the short, gold, naked guy does that count as a tax deduction?...Modern Pediatrics: Give little Sara two Sponge Bobs and call me in the morning....Granted, it's amazing, but it's only truly a miracle if the Virgin Mary has a delicious nougat center....Finally revealed, the key to a long life: don't die...."I see drunk people." If Haley Joel Osment thought making Sixth Sense was frightening, wait until he does community service time with this guy....Notice to all baseball fans, there is a little five-game series scheduled at Fenway Park starting today...Music Friday: Who can resist a band describing itself as folk rock, psychedelic, and punk. It's the Archie Bronson Outfit.

If Pravda's Right, We Could Be Down to 11 Planets Shortly
Warning to alligators currently living in Florida: Don't become a nuisance. Perhaps California should enact a similar law to protect the public against a major nuisance there....Meanwhile, Düsseldorf authorities are keeping a close eye on nuisance-causing Madonna. Although from this photo, her controversial concert crucifixion looks more like she's preparing for an airport security wanding....As a society, we must ask ourselves: Do we want creepy David Copperfield to be perpetually youthful?...Uh-oh!...This is just the sort of tense political situation that could lead to nuclear war...I heard about politicians kissing babies before, but this is going too far....It's official, scientists are running out of research ideas. Which also leads to this sort of disturbing development: Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Ceres, Jupiter...Ceres!?. Calm speaking narrators will be urgently needed to update obsolete lesson plans....Crime in Cape Girardeau, Missouri....Frankly, it's surprising this doesn't occur more often....Maybe the Welsh version is correct, and the English translation is wrong. It's no wonder traveling in Wales is confusing, get a load of a typical street sign.

Cheese It, The Border Patrol
If the streets of New York appear extra clean today, you can thank the Karma Chameleon....What my wife found works on me are delicious kibble treats....We can only hope and pray this sort of thing never happens in the US, especially if Hillary runs for president. We saw the negative consequences that can occur last election....A rented police helicopter could be necessary the next time you plan a birthday party in Australia....Speaking of birthdays, there was an important one last week....Border patrol nabs cheese smuggler, gets gouda off the streets....Wait, the same thing happened to me, only difference is mine was from beer....Her tree is taking a leak....I don't care how much they change, clowns still creep me out.

Pig in a Poke (actually, a Pub)
Going to Vienna, beware of the evil Yellow Sack Spider. And if you go to Germany, beware of this guy. (Actually, he lives in Michigan now, and according to this blog, last year started making friends with the local teens.)...What, now a pig can't have a beer once in a while?...Forget about traveling to Europe or Australia, there's Dyersville, Iowa. As the corn says: "If you book Costner, they will come."...Good news America, we are not the only country that feels it is necessary to put warning labels on EVERYTHING. Although, we're still the best at it....But when it comes to public official sex scandals, we really are prudes. We are nothing like the Scottish. The best part of the story is the wife refuting allegations that her husband had sex involving an ice cube: "You are like a monkey, so anybody rolling an ice cube around your body would end up with a hairball ..." she told her husband across the packed court room. "There is more hair on your body than there is on your head." For fun, read the wife's courtroom testimony, but imagine it's Hillary Clinton..."It's like brain surgery." Maybe a surgeon with way too much time on his hands. Oh good, another surgeon...Music Friday: Move over for Every Move a Picture.

Mad Max
It's good to see celebrities joining together for a good cause, and not singing....A follow up on the story about the unlicensed doctor working out of a basement, and why anyone, regardless of economic, educational or cultural background, would think it was a good idea to go to him: we now hear about this happening in a supposedly "professional" facility. (Note: the file photo of the hospital's CEO accompanying the article makes the man appear way too happy about the kidney/gall bladder mix-up.)...Back in my day, we had to ask a friend to make a fake phone call to us...Programming note: If you need me today, I'll be draped over my air conditioner....Sure, we have our problems here in America, but at least we don't have monkeys in our subway trains. Maybe Indian celebrities should join together and sing this song....What are the odds that these guys were partying with Mel Gibson?....If the shuttlecock your holding feels like duck, blame it on the bird flu....Why don't they have sophisticated shows like this one here in the US. I'm thinking of a celebrity version with Mel Gibson as a contestant.