Y2K Redo
It has come to my attention that there is a serious 311Y2K07 virus that will affect thousands, if not millions, of our nation's alarm clocks. I'm begging the public not to panic, but you probably won't be able to help yourself once I inform you that Daylight Saving Time will start weeks earlier than normal and according to our nation's top minds, if we WAIT TO RESET OUR ALARM CLOCK'S ON THE FIRST SUNDAY IN APRIL AS WE ARE ACCUSTOMED TO WE RISK BEING LATE FOR WORK FOR WEEKS CAUSING HUNDREDS OF BILLIONS OF DOLLARS OF LOST PRODUCTIVITY AND POSSIBLY SENDING OUR NATION INTO A RECESSION AND BEING OVERRUN BY THE TERRORISTS.

I apologize for the CAP LOCKS, but I felt this issue is that important. So you might be wondering: What can I do? And the answer is: Not a hell of a lot. My suggestion is to stock several months worth of canned food and water, and if you haven't already duct taped plastic across all exterior doors and windows, do so now. Then hire a IT professional to come to your home and make sure it is 311Y2K07 compatible. This should cost no more than $2,000-$3,000. If you are charged more, there is a good possibility they are trying to take advantage of you during this panic situation and you should ask to see an itemized list of charges before paying them whatever they want.

Your computer, by the way, should already have been automatically updated with the new Daylight Saving Time dates, but if not it takes two seconds to click on the time at the bottom right corner and reset the clock by an hour.

Good luck. We'll need it.

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The prodigal clean-up hitter returns.

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Nothing says childhood fun like collecting colored powder. Notice, it seems like a good idea to wear eye protection.

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JetBlue found it can offer cheaper airline ticket prices if it doesn't actually fly people places.

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This news will make the next Sharpton-Thurmond family reunion a bit awkward.

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Criminals in Canada: Not the brightest.

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One million Scoville heat units is one hot pepper. My advice for guys from my own personal experience when dealing with hot peppers: after handling peppers wash your hands before attempting to go to the bathroom.