Sex, Pizza, and Rock 'n Roll
Just one more reason to avoid museums...Talk about your counter programming to American Idol. For the sake of the hundreds and hundreds who will listen to the State of the Union address tonight, let's hope the President got lucky last night, if you know what I mean? An early practice version of the President's State of the Union speech has been leaked....I recently explained to my boys that when I was a kid we weren't allowed to wear jeans to school, and they replied, "What was life really like before the forging of metal?"...If only I had a nickel every time this happened to me, I'd combine it with the nickel I got every time this happened...They finally figured guys out. We've been dropping hints for years.

Italian Election Update
Not only has this politician vowed to give up sex until after the election, but the candidate happens to be married to a former actress. Here she is with her husband, and President Bush and the First Lady, presumably when they were still having sex, the Italian couple that is.

Turn! Turn! Turn!
This story reminds me of those old Charles Bronson, take-the-law-in-their-own-hands movies. See a resemblance? Also in California: social unrest and a passionate plea....Attention collectors: The Time to Die Elmo book is available on eBay. A conservative estimate puts the number of books for sale at 5 gajillion zillion. Remember when Elmo used to be a warm and cuddly monster?...Another reason why we have political apathy in this country: Our candidates avoid the big campaign issues. Expect his stump speeches to suffer...He'll never get elected in Italy...Here's a new movie coming out if you like an edge of your seat thriller...Speaking of Seattle, there is a major sporting event taking place on Sunday.

Happy B-day, A-Mo
"Characters commit crimes such as murder, drug dealing and pimping," but LA draws the line at sex. Somehow, I don't think this game will be as popular. Here's a video game that provides both fast cars and extreme danger..Happy Birthday, Mozart. His music still rocks today. Although some of it is hard to understand...Here's the studio trailer for the next feel good movie of the year...The worst part is, this receptionist might be better...It sucks to be him...Here is a list of local Super Bowl events going on in the Detroit area. Somehow, ice sculptures and Super Bowl festivities probably shouldn't go together...The White Guys Rapping Battle reaches new heights of respectability. A-Mo would be so proud of where we've come musically in 250 years.

Big Brother, Little Rappers
Don't call it domestic spying without a warrant anymore, and we will know if you do....This article explains why Clinton is such a dynamic public speaker....Authorities might want to look for him at the YMCA. If the Village People cop is in trouble with the law, what do you suppose the construction guy has been up to?...In another staged snit on American Idol, Simon walks out of the auditions. The nice thing is, he always returns...The French face a serious problem, and they blame us....Am I the only one who finds the shape of this building mildly disturbing?...What? (hic) You have a cure (hic) for the hiccups. Um (hic), no thanks...The guys in the White Guys Rapping Battle seem to get younger every day.

Getting Hammered
Everyone's an art critic, although some use hammers...Next time you're stuck in a crowded airport on Thanksgiving weekend, remember it could be worse. This guy might have been on the train. Speaking of Chinese New Year travel problems, try bringing this along on the ride...Gals, having trouble finding Mr. Right in America? Well, we know someone with a farm and 6 million won in the bank who wants to meet you. Here is a closer look at his contemporary ranch-style home. And we already picked out a nice place for the wedding...Not to focus exclusively on New England area sports (but you must admit, it is never dull here), Theo Epstein returned to the Red Sox and instead of a press conference, the organization issued a statement. Generally, fan reaction has been positive....If you go skiing, stay on-piste for God's sake...Unfortunately, you're on this list (Scroll down to #4). To the BEAST, you respond.

Super Lazy Tuesday
Some people simply don't like to fly...Programming Note: American Idol is on tonight, with America's three favorite judges, Simon, Paula and Randy. One of these contestants could be the next big thing in musical entertainment. But not these two musical geniuses. Although, you never know...According to reports from Battle Creek, Michigan, the Red Sox are close to signing a breakfast cereal...Actually, Cereal City might be a fun place to take your family while attending the Superbowl in Detroit...If someone comes to your door claiming to be looking for a lost pet, don't let them in...I can't believe another Go Pantless on the Subway Day has come and gone...Somehow, even when the Japanese kids seem to be having fun, it doesn't seem all that much fun...Uh oh, the White Guys Rapping Battle might be bigger than the Superbowl.

White Monday
Here's typical New England schizophrenic weather: Saturday was bright and sunny and near 60 degrees and this morning it is snowing. This snow caused some difficult driving conditions during the morning commute. ACTUAL UPDATE ALL KIDDING ASIDE: Just talked to my wife, it took her three hours to get to work this morning..Hopefully the weather won't affect the festivities...Two Jakes: The Denver Oompa-Loompas, ur, Broncos fans are feeling the pain, as are the North and/or South Carolina Panthers...Super Bowl XL is set as the Seahawks and Steelers head to Detroit, which is easy to find as you will see by this detailed map. Beware, the mood in Motor City might be a little down...And this doesn't help...Of course, people cheer themselves up in many different ways.

BREAKING WORLD A-ROD INDECISIVE BASEBALL CLASSIC NEWS
Alex Rodriguez humbly explains why he finally chose to play for the U.S. team. By the way, do you think this was the moment A-Rod Jumped the Shark?

Did Theo Jump the Shark?
Last night, I'm on my computer surfing the Internet, minding my own business, and catching up on my Bill Simmons reading, when I go back to ESPN's home page and see the breaking news that we all knew was coming but wouldn't allow ourselves to believe until it was official: Theo is back with the Red Sox, in some yet-to-be-determined capacity that probably doesn't involve keeping Fenway's restrooms stocked with enough toilet paper. The press release says he will be in charge of baseball operations and that's all fans really need to know or care about. Why he dragged us through hell and back (in the life form of Jim Beattie) won't matter much come April. It reminds me of one of those hokey, two-part sitcom story lines, where the main character decides to leave and everyone says their sad goodbyes, but then in the second half hour he finds himself on an unfamiliar set surrounded by a bunch of guest stars and extras. He realizes then that he never should have left in the first place. And by the time the show's ending credits are about to roll, the main character has returned and everything is back to normal. Sometimes, this can be a turning point in the show leading to a long decline. It even has a name. It's called Jumping the Shark. When the show stretches the plot to the point of being totally ridiculous, that's Jumping the Shark. The question is did Theo Jump the Shark or was this simply a regrettable multi-part episode that will be forgotten? We will have a good idea in October.

Su Gran Conflicto
My bad, I learned last night that there is way more happening in Denver these days then just an AFC Championship Game and a livestock show, they also had tryouts for this show. Which in past seasons has made people famous...Frankly, I wonder why anyone, or anything, would visit Texas...So far, no changes in the World A-Rod Indecisive Baseball Classic. (The caption for the previous photo link from ESPN Deportes was, and I quote, "Alex Rodríguez y su gran conflicto." Yes, su gran conflicto, indeed.)...Great, like we needed more of these...Parishioners wondered why the priest replaced all the hymns with Grateful Dead songs...By the way, do you think Jerry would have ever made it on A-Idol? Thankfully, not.

Decision Time
NEWS FLASH: A-ROD JOINS USA TEAM, PERHAPS, AT LEAST HE'S THINKING ABOUT IT, YES, WAIT, OKAY, YES HE WILL, MAYBE: The World A-Rod Indecisive Baseball Classic will have A-Rod to kick around. How many Americans do you suppose will now be rooting for the Dominican team?...As for being indecisive, I am sure God is as confused as the rest of us as to why we are even paying attention to Britney...Of course in India, people are more level headed about stuff...If true, this is disheartening. A eunuch discovered America first...Denver has another NFL playoff game to host this weekend, but don't think it's the only thing going on there...Now he's just going to get a bunch of pre-approved credit card offers...This explains a lot about the condition of British teeth...An Olympic Update: They seem to have a problem deciding what the host city is called....And finally, once again American Idol begins a new season and the three famous judges, Simon, Randy and Paula, have tough decisions to make.

Pats Go Flat
You remember how when you were a kid and had a birthday party, your parents would blow up a dozen colorful balloons and the next morning the balloons would all be half deflated looking like a dozen, sad, multi-colored, limp sacks of air? But now that you are an adult, for your children's birthday parties you buy those balloons which are made out of that space age Mylar stuff that the astronauts use for birthday parties on the International Space Station. These balloons stay inflated for what seems like infinity, and you can't kill the damn things without taking a sharp knife to them. Well, most sports championships (i.e. the Red Sox) are like the old balloons, bright and colorful but it doesn't last. The Patriots run of three Super Bowl wins in four years, 10 straight playoff victories, seemed Mylarish. We began to think it might never end. Of course, the Broncos jabbed a big old chef's knife into it on Saturday. Or maybe the Patriots accidentally cut themselves. Either way, the Mylar team is finished for this season and the players are off doing their own thing. Not too worry, in a few weeks the Winter Olympics start and we get to watch insane people slide down a mountain at tremendous speeds on a board the size of a credit card. Then something called the World Classic of A-Rod Deciding What Country to Represent is in March, followed by spring training, then the baseball season. In no time, Manny will be demanding a trade again, and Patriot fans will have something to cheer about.

Ride 'em
What, they rather we get into a taxi?...Moving to LA? Do you have a place to stay?... If you have plans to move to Minnesota, change them...Want a really great place to live, and where they don't mind if animals roam the streets (scroll down to see photos), then you want to live in Denver. The Denver Bronco fans are getting ready for the big game Saturday...Now we know where Crash Test Babies come from...Yes, but do you need to take out a loan to buy a cup...Here was a free offer deal way too good to pass up (there is something disturbing about extruding Play-Doh)...I know this is the reaction we'd have in my neighborhood...Good luck to the Patriots this weekend against the Broncos. Players that were out with injuries in the loss against Denver earlier in the season are back and as always Belichick will have a great game plan. Besides we have Tom Brady, the badest, meanest bronco buster in these here parts.

Try Saying Alito 100 Times in a Row
Patriots fans planning on traveling to Denver for the game this Saturday should beware of buildings crash landing from outerspace. Fortuantely, the stadium is located elsewhere...And if you are flying over Alaska, this is useful information...Good news, another breeding celebrity couple for us to make fun of...I would have guessed that the percentage was higher...Here's something to make you drink more, Gene Simmons in a reality TV series. He was probably always sober when he worked...All the News that's Fit to..oh, the hell with it, let's get naked. One respected American journalist currently not working has applied...Good news American youth, you aren't the only dumb ones...This might be banned in Germany, but what about the Silly Walk...And finally, maybe this woman should have thought about losing weight beforehand. Just a thought.

Strike Out
First off, Jim Rice was robbed. Here's why he should be in the Hall of Fame. Although, maybe getting in isn't such a big deal ....When guys aren't arguing about who should be in the Hall of Fame, they argue about other important stuff...TAKE NOTE: If you're going to make a movie about Internet cannibals, at least do it in good taste...This woman's actions were completely justifiable. After all, too much burning love can cause this: A Hunka, Hunka Constipation...This is what happens when you leave a galaxy out in the rain too long...She was eating for two, wasn't she?...Dog version of Prison Break update...Where in the World is Kim Jong Il Diego? Wait, he's been spotted at an amusement park...Questions abound in the controversial flaming mouse story. The only point not in doubt is how the gentleman feels about mice: "I have an awful hate for those critters."...In the next Survivor: Panama - Exile Island, a former astronaut will be on the show. Expect him to be sent to Exile Island where he'll find a bottle with a genie in it...These guys will probably try to blame this on a mouse, too.

E-String Blues
My latest column was mentioned and linked to on the Modern Guitars Magazine website. I thank them and encourage anyone interested in guitars or music in general to check out the site. As for Kevin, he's been practicing a few classic rock guitar chords...Great, now we have to worry about something called a Blu-Ray Group. Are they anything like these guys?...This is just like that new TV show, Prison Break, except it's a dog...Finally, an awards show guys would stay up for...And speaking of doggie style, plus here is an artist's rendering of the suspect....Wondering what to get Pat Robertson next Christmas?...You know it's time for a new air freshener when neighbors have this to say, “Standing outside, one could smell death”...This is the type of honest sports headlines we don't get in America...By the way, the Patriots face the Broncos in Denver on Saturday. For those planning on attending the game, the stadium is located right around here somewhere...And last but not least: Good Luck, Mr. Rice.

Pooch Punt
The Pats are back. Next stop: Denver, where playing conditions are unique...Good news, we can now pay to listen to Howard Stern on something called Sirius Satellite Radio...All you need to know about this story is contained in the following quote: "You leave the Elvis clothes or I'll leave you."...Meanwhile, it snowed in Croatia...If she offers you tea, politely decline..And finally, be on the look out for vengeful mice. This one especially.

Dropping Hamiltons
Is this for real, or just another case of Manny being, um, I dunno, bi-polar maybe?...Perhaps Manny realized that on another team he wouldn't be the same player he is now, nor have the same special perks... I guess this news item just shows that it's never too late...Katrina took one of the Cowsills... Perhaps the government is worried about very short terrorists...WARNING: In 2006, Baby Boomers start turning 60. You have been warned...Dude, the Beatles did this, like, 40 years ago...And finally, if you are planning on hitting the slopes this weekend and are looking for sound advise from an Olympic skier, look no further.

Double True
Sudoku fans take notice, researches are excited about a newly discovered LAPN (Large Ass Prime Number): "We're super excited," said Boone, a chemistry professor. "We've been looking for such a number for a long time." As is typical, it was under the sofa the whole time...We can assume this Einstein didn't help look for the number...Latest Red Sox trade rumors has the team replacing the entire outfield with these guys, who I think are currently with Seattle...Speaking of Seattle, Microsoft has the software equivalent of duct tape out again...And now this important message from Rock Legend Pete Townshend: "WHAT? EH? I DIDN'T HEAR WHAT YOU SAID"...I don't know who this is, but I know my kids watch his show and will be glad to know Drake will be OK...The Rolling Stones are looking for dancers for the Super Bowl Halftime show, and they must be 45 or younger. Maybe Mick has someone special in mind...Speaking of football, the college football bowl games are finally over. And the team whose mascot is, basically, a cow, won. Congratulations to the Battling Bovines of Texas! And congrats to Brent who won in our annual family pool.

Happy New Year
Yesterday we were under a typical WINTER STORM DEATH, DESTRUCTION AND PESTILENCE ALERT in New England, courtesy of our local meteorologists who work everyone up into a frenzy whenever the forecast calls for a chance of snow. The sad thing is, we keep falling for it...Also in the local news, if the Red Sox can't trade for Tejada, we might get Julio Lugo from the Devil Rays for Andy Marte, who we just got when we traded Edgar Renteria to the Braves. My fear is that if the Red Sox, with their "GM by Congress (535 co-general managers at last count)," keep trading away the players they just traded for and they take their "eye off the ball" for even a second, the Sox might accidentally end up with Renteria again before spring training starts...I think Red Sox fans all agree, however, that we don't want a clean shaven Johnny Damon back...Ever wonder what sets the New York Times apart from the rest? It is the newspaper's unique perspective on national institutions..Jerry Seinfeld had a joke about painting his apartment and each time feeling as if the walls were closing in, he was right!...This is good news...And we end this New Year's edition contemplating whether Dick Clark's appearance (seen here ringing in the New Year with a close friend) was either inspirational or a cruel reminder that none of us stay young forever.