Mule Cloned

Just what we needed, a way to make more mules

Freedom Rings in Iraq

...with a kickass death metal band.

Shameless Self Promotion

As happened last week, my column is again mysteriously missing quotation marks. This is a growing domestic threat, one which Tom Ridge and the Department of Homeland Security should immediately investigate.

Scandal-Plagued American Idol Update

The people who dialed wrong must be from West Palm Beach, Florida.

Baby Naming

How about we call him Kobe Caleb Chandler?

Hello, you've reached God...

I'm away from my desk, please leave a message after the thunderclap.

Area Code Guy is New American Idol

All the talk about voter fraud can now be put aside, the important thing is that Ruben, the guy I was rooting for, won.

PS: Fox producers have trouble with decimal points. During the show, host Ryan Seacrest, 15, stated that 24 million votes were cast and that a half percentage point separated the contestants. He went on to say the difference was only 13,000 votes. He later came on with "corrected" numbers and said the vote difference was actually 1,300. Makes one really confident that they are tabulating the votes properly, doesn't it?

Good News!

I just received my afternoon newspaper, and the printed version of my column in the MetroWest Daily News has quotation marks. We can therefore logically conclude that the missing quotation marks in the online version was not caused by an Internet punctuation shortage, but instead was due to an al-Qaida terrorist cell. We must all be more vigilant.

If From the Previous Entry You Linked to My Column on the MetroWest Daily News Website, Then You Might Have Thought, "Is Something Missing?"

YES. The quotation marks. Which makes reading this particular column a little difficult, SINCE IT REQUIRED MY USING A LOT OF THEM. I checked and apparently there is a serious Internet shortage of quoatation marks. Luckily, I have been storing them up for some time now, so below is my entire column with proper punctuation:

WHAT'S CRACKULATIN': LEAPING THE TEEN LANGUAGE BARRIER
by Lee Ostaszewski


The ability of adults and children to communicate together is very important. This is especially true once the teenage years approach. Without communication, each side would just sort of stare at the other with a dumb, blank look on their face. Come to think of it, that's basically what does happen.


That's because after years of learning to speak our language, including that first year of talking - when us parents would excitedly write down each new word as our child first said it - teenagers all of a sudden begin communicating among themselves using a highly specialized language of their own.


Luckily, today's parent has help that's as close as the Internet (first, it might be necessary for today's parent to ask their teenager to show them where the Internet is located).


Online you can find lists of teen language definitions that can be helpful in understanding what exactly it is your child is saying. Still, some of the expressions listed I find hard to believe are actual terminology used by anyone other than the biggest of teen geeks. For instance, there is a citation for "What's crackulatin'?" (Meaning, "What's taking place in your life at this moment.") Honestly, who would say that?


Imagine a teen walking up to a group of other teens and saying, "Hey, dudes, what's crackulatin'?" How would that situation not end badly? I'm guessing it ends with the group of teens holding the first teen upside down with his head inside a restroom toilet bowl and then flushing, giving him a swirly (a hairstyle resembling a soft serve ice cream cone).


Maybe among our youth today saying, "What's crackulatin'?" actually sounds hip. But it reminds me of the lame phrase my friends and I used all the time in elementary school. We would say, "accidentally on purpose." As in: "Sorry, but I accidentally on purpose pounded the chalk out of the chalk board erasers using the top of your desk."


The phrase, "What's crackulatin'?" comes from the root, "What's crackin'?" - a greeting popular for about ten minutes in the 1970s. It was derived from the late 1800s greeting, "What's going on?" (or, sometimes, "What's going on here?") That phrase came directly from the familiar Shakespearean expression, "What's happening?" Which itself was an updated version of the common, Middle English greeting, "Whassup?" - a phrase found often (381 times, if I've counted correctly) in the original text of Geoffrey Chaucer's "The Canterbury Tales."


While understanding today's youth could, in theory, be of some value, I feel a much more important goal would be if today's youth spent more time trying to understand adults. So below I have listed several commonly used adult phrases, along with its true meaning, and followed up by the typical misinterpretation of the phrase that most teens seem to have.


"Where are you going tonight?" Meaning: "For years, I've had to know where you were every minute of every day. It's a hard habit to break, so get over it." Teen Misinterpretation: "I don't trust you out of my sight for even a second."


"Who was your maid last year?" Meaning: "You are old enough to start helping out around the house and doing more things for yourself." Teen Misinterpretation: "Hooh! Ahh! Hooh! Ahh!/Well, don't you know/That's the sound of the men/Working on the chain ga-a-ang."


"If you're in no condition to drive, call me and I'll come get you." Meaning: "Seriously, and I won't lecture you, either. JUST CALL." Teen Misinterpretation: "It's a trick, isn't it?"


"Wake up, you're missing the best part of the day!" Meaning: "I can't stand it when you sleep until noon on the weekends." Teen Misinterpretation: "Zzzzzzzzzzzz..."


"Are you wearing that?" Meaning: "You are not wearing that." Teen Misinterpretation: "I miss the days when I could dress you in whatever stupid looking baby outfit I wanted to, usually something with a farm animal or Disney character on it."

Shameless Self Promotion

What's crackulating, you ask? Read this and get the down low low down.

Power of the Press

Stories like this are why journalists can't be trusted.

Man's Best Friend?

Stories like this are why dogs can't be trusted.

Shocking News

US Supreme Court might need to step in to declare American Idol winner.

It Might Help Us Identify Terrorists

Still, don't you just hate people like this?

Our Oreos are Safe, for Now

Cookie lawsuit dropped.

Martha Stewart's Life Sucks

Isn't it enough that Cybill Shepherd is playing her in a crappy TV movie tonight, without the feds still thinking of indicting her, too?

Ferret Attacks

Terror on the Midland Mainline train.

Close Call for Madonna

Thankfully, she is okay.

Money Makeover

The Treasury Department introduces new colors to our paper money...and it picked peach?

Wonders of Technology

You can lead a dog to the toilet, but you can't make it flush.

What Are the Odds?

Maybe God doesn't like them.

Clay and Ruben, Ruben and Clay

Just think, one week from today we'll have a new American Idol! And two weeks from today, no one will care. But for now the excitement builds as Area Code Guy goes up against Howdy Doody of the 21st Century.

PS: No recent contestant arrests...Boring!

The Thomas Edison of Crows

But does the bird have its own blog?

Does the Internet Seem Slower?

Now we know why.

Shameless Self Promotion

If you have time between your kid's soccer and baseball games, read this.

A Sign of Spring

In Miami it's when Mr. Stinky blooms.

Attention Canine Allergy Sufferers

This is not about being allergic to canines, it is about a dog with allergies.

Culinary Update

Why you never hear anyone say, "I feel like going out for some English food tonight."

When Cars Attack

This is why you should always carry a sledgehammer inside the car with you.

Gee, wonder why?

Czech spies living in US wouldn't go home.

American Idol Update

Area Code Guy, a.k.a. Ruben, made it into the final three last night. This after a close call last week that almost sent him packing. As for contestant's criminal activity, no major arrests to report this week.

Why Canada is Not a Superpower

Even the country's leader is bored with politics.

Higher Education

This class is a drag.

Dixie Chicks Fallout Continues

Now radio stations are suspending DJs for playing the group's songs.

Shameless Self Promotion

Read this, and maybe you will become the next American Idol.

Take a Left at the Black and White Police Car on a Pole

If it weren't for oppressive zoning regulations, more communities could have such a handy landmark when giving directions.

HELP!

Lucy...in..the..Sky.....with.......Dia...monds sung by Capt. Kirk voted worst.

Everybody Loves Sahaf

Former Iraqi Information Minister's rantings to become hit dance tune.

Lifestyles of the Rich and Feline

How can they be so sure the cat didn't bump the old lady off.

Great Gift Idea

Here's someone for Barbie to play with.

Space Station Update

Close only counts in horse shoes and, apparently, the Russian space program.

Airline Officials Report "No Bonking"

This sort of thing doesn't happen in coach.

Knock'em Up

Singaporeans not getting enough action.

It's About Time

The Oscars get tough.

Real Blogging Dangers

This blog is mostly just silly, but in some parts of the world blogs are an important communication source. And some journalists risk imprisonment, or worse, by keeping one.

Marital Discord

Usually the emergency call is made after dinner.

Saddamarama

Calling all Saddam lookalikes.