If From the Previous Entry You Linked to My Column on the MetroWest Daily News Website, Then You Might Have Thought, "Is Something Missing?"

YES. The quotation marks. Which makes reading this particular column a little difficult, SINCE IT REQUIRED MY USING A LOT OF THEM. I checked and apparently there is a serious Internet shortage of quoatation marks. Luckily, I have been storing them up for some time now, so below is my entire column with proper punctuation:

WHAT'S CRACKULATIN': LEAPING THE TEEN LANGUAGE BARRIER
by Lee Ostaszewski


The ability of adults and children to communicate together is very important. This is especially true once the teenage years approach. Without communication, each side would just sort of stare at the other with a dumb, blank look on their face. Come to think of it, that's basically what does happen.


That's because after years of learning to speak our language, including that first year of talking - when us parents would excitedly write down each new word as our child first said it - teenagers all of a sudden begin communicating among themselves using a highly specialized language of their own.


Luckily, today's parent has help that's as close as the Internet (first, it might be necessary for today's parent to ask their teenager to show them where the Internet is located).


Online you can find lists of teen language definitions that can be helpful in understanding what exactly it is your child is saying. Still, some of the expressions listed I find hard to believe are actual terminology used by anyone other than the biggest of teen geeks. For instance, there is a citation for "What's crackulatin'?" (Meaning, "What's taking place in your life at this moment.") Honestly, who would say that?


Imagine a teen walking up to a group of other teens and saying, "Hey, dudes, what's crackulatin'?" How would that situation not end badly? I'm guessing it ends with the group of teens holding the first teen upside down with his head inside a restroom toilet bowl and then flushing, giving him a swirly (a hairstyle resembling a soft serve ice cream cone).


Maybe among our youth today saying, "What's crackulatin'?" actually sounds hip. But it reminds me of the lame phrase my friends and I used all the time in elementary school. We would say, "accidentally on purpose." As in: "Sorry, but I accidentally on purpose pounded the chalk out of the chalk board erasers using the top of your desk."


The phrase, "What's crackulatin'?" comes from the root, "What's crackin'?" - a greeting popular for about ten minutes in the 1970s. It was derived from the late 1800s greeting, "What's going on?" (or, sometimes, "What's going on here?") That phrase came directly from the familiar Shakespearean expression, "What's happening?" Which itself was an updated version of the common, Middle English greeting, "Whassup?" - a phrase found often (381 times, if I've counted correctly) in the original text of Geoffrey Chaucer's "The Canterbury Tales."


While understanding today's youth could, in theory, be of some value, I feel a much more important goal would be if today's youth spent more time trying to understand adults. So below I have listed several commonly used adult phrases, along with its true meaning, and followed up by the typical misinterpretation of the phrase that most teens seem to have.


"Where are you going tonight?" Meaning: "For years, I've had to know where you were every minute of every day. It's a hard habit to break, so get over it." Teen Misinterpretation: "I don't trust you out of my sight for even a second."


"Who was your maid last year?" Meaning: "You are old enough to start helping out around the house and doing more things for yourself." Teen Misinterpretation: "Hooh! Ahh! Hooh! Ahh!/Well, don't you know/That's the sound of the men/Working on the chain ga-a-ang."


"If you're in no condition to drive, call me and I'll come get you." Meaning: "Seriously, and I won't lecture you, either. JUST CALL." Teen Misinterpretation: "It's a trick, isn't it?"


"Wake up, you're missing the best part of the day!" Meaning: "I can't stand it when you sleep until noon on the weekends." Teen Misinterpretation: "Zzzzzzzzzzzz..."


"Are you wearing that?" Meaning: "You are not wearing that." Teen Misinterpretation: "I miss the days when I could dress you in whatever stupid looking baby outfit I wanted to, usually something with a farm animal or Disney character on it."